Shopaholic Banana

You Must Love Me Cover

2012-02-11T16:01:00.001+08:00

Just a quick attempt on singing for fun. Hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed singing hehe..

My thought on values lost...

2012-02-08T16:00:00.001+08:00

Being brought up a Mormon and in quite a conservative environment, I have been brought up with some values that somehow I feel lacks in our current times. I am not saying that all the values I have learned were great or far superior than those of this year and age, I am just saying that in my opinion values are so important, and some if not taught or passed down may be lost forever.

This transition of generations, from father to son, mother to daughter may be the turning point of many people, it may also be the fading point of many wonderful teachings from our fore-parents. I have witnessed many of such legacies disappear even in my nieces and nephews. A simple value of respect is no longer engraved in their lives, or worse yet, it does not exist in their vocabulary.

It was during the Chinese New Year gathering where I realized how my nieces treated their mother, my cousin. The way they were so daring to yell and scold their parents, even at the age of just merely 12. We would have never even thought of doing such when we were younger. It was not even up for discussion.

As I said, I am very thankful that my parents were so strict on me. It was only until I was older that I realized the reasoning behind the iron wall they put up when I was younger. Now that I am 34, my relationship with my mom and dad is amazing. We are friends, and yet I will always have that utter respect for them. They taught me well. Many said that with such strictness we will draw a distance between the parents and the children, but at the same time without it we are inviting the children who think they know everything to challenge their parents. Ones who could not even make rational decisions to decide what he or she wants to do and take a stand. I once was one of those brats who would think my parents were of a different era and they don't know what we go through, but I have never thought that no matter how different the eras are, the values and experiences are the same. Now to be an adult and see things their way, I understand why my parents taught me the way they did.

My point is, we should try to keep some legacies and values from our fathers and grandfathers and pass it down to our children. Or else, such simple truths of respecting the elderly, would diminish just like that.

The Loke Family (part of us)

2012-01-24T17:25:00.003+08:00

While mostpeople were traveling back by car, I decided to fly. It’s the Lunar New Year ofthe Dragon and everyone most likely has traveled back to their respectivehometown. As this New Year came nearer, people from far and near would rushback to celebrate this blessed day with their loved ones and family. The traffic, just like any other day wasnuts. Everyone has decided to go back onthe same day, worked till the last day before the eve of the new year and headback on the eve itself. It was complete hell for drivers heading back up northor south.

So glad Itook the flight. Those who were on the road took 9 hours to return home whereit would usually only take 3 hours. The flight was 35 mins max. No matter how Iwas delayed, I was still much faster than those who drove. Talk about beingsmart ass J

This year,the cousins and Loke family got together and for the reunion. It has been sucha long time since the two brothers and their families got together and dine. Itwas a happy moment, a memory that is priceless. Being able to spend the special celebration with family and friends makes it a great beginning of the Dragon year. Gong Hei Fatt Choy everyone..

Reunion Dinner 2012 yummy

The LOKE bros...

The Loke Bros and spouse

The Loke Family .. at least 60% of us were present

William has hair .. woot woot

2012-01-15T11:55:00.000+08:00

So, the past couple of days have been quite hectic as we have just completed our Leadership Conference with the Sales Directors of Mary Kay Malaysia and Singapore. If you have not noticed, I work for Mary Kay Malaysia Singapore as their Sales Educator.
I shall not talk about work here as you all know all working environment has their goods and bads. Politics will always happen, therefore we will not indulge in the negativity of such in my blog. Anyways I just wanted to share how I look like with hair. I've never had so much hair in my entire life, and most people have never thought of me having the amount of hair I have in the picture that I am about to show. Do I really look that different. It's for you to see for yaself.

Another day of workout

2012-01-12T21:28:00.001+08:00

Most people say that I have put on weight! And to prove to them that I am not a force to mess with I have decided to go back to the gym! And for that I have. Here is proof! Trust me they are mine!

Victor and Rolf and I

2012-01-11T22:25:00.000+08:00

Remember I said there is a new me, here you are the new me. Not much difference except I have a new pair of glasses. Of course this new pair of glasses makes a huge difference. :) Now a Victor and Rolf always makes a difference :)

William and his Victor and Rolf

And here is how I look with my new haircut and glasses to welcome 2012. Then again the picture was taken right after gym. Totally and completely knackered.

A Brand New Year with New Toys and New Me

2012-01-08T00:20:00.000+08:00

As we all said goodbye to 2011 and welcome 2012 we all have our different New Year's resolutions and I have mine too. 2010 and 2011 have been two very crazy years. Much have changed and I realized that I have changed a lot as well. My outlook in life has become a little more assured and my faith in

God has also become much stronger compared to the beginning of 2010. I will not go into details or even want to dwell in the past. I have left my past 6 months unwritten and uncharted as I did not want to record down what I thought were moments best left forgotten.

Therefore 2012 is a new beginning for me. It's a new beginning for many things. I will be going back to my
roots of artwork, writing, singing. There are many things I want to achieve and do but I do not want it written down as resolutions as it would be a shameful experience if I could not achieve them as planned. I realized that my life is full of surprises and I would not want to let go of any of them while I am determined to chart my resolutions.

Anyways, to begin the year, I have rewarded myself with some new toys. Here are some of the new toys I have gotten myself.. This is the new system I am working on. Inspired and passionately RED!

More to come....

May 19, 2011

2011-05-19T23:52:00.001+08:00

Another day has gone by and somehow another week has gone by. It seems like the week goes by faster as the months come closer to the 12^th month of the year. I suppose it can be good and it can be bad depends on how you see it. There were many nights that I do stay awake thinking to myself, what makes me, me? Many people have asked me why do I not like to argue with people and why do I shy away from contention, or why do I not defend myself and stand my ground. I used to be someone who was very argumentative, someone who loved to argue and made myself known if I disliked someone or something. As I grew older, I realized that I hurt myself more at the end of the day. After each face off day, my mood was never better, in fact it was worse than before I had the argument. Either I felt bad about what I said, or I was so pissed off that it ruined my day, and it had the ripple effect on my entire day. One bad thing led to another and at the end of the day, I was the one who lost.

Since then I have learned patience. I have learned to walk away and silence my anger. It was never easy at the beginning but somehow as time went by it became much easier and I was definitely much stronger of a person. To me I feel that it takes a lot more to walk away than to stay and get a heads on commotion. As I grew older, it became much easier to smile at contention and walk away. I don't lose my pride, I don't lose my friends or family, I won't lose myself when I keep quiet and let one yell and talk and rudely comment. Because at the end of the day, I can walk away and smile and say, "okay you're done? I have other things to do and have a nice day."

Legacy of stench . . . OMG can we please just please put some edt on you..

2011-05-15T23:06:00.002+08:00

May 15, 2011

I think some men have got to come to their senses sometimes. Honestly, what does it take for some men nowadays to realize that the so-called manly smell that comes naturally from one's body is just not the best way to show the world how manly one is. I have come across a few, to be truthful, I've came across many men who were not too keen to use deodorant, which means asking them to put on perfume is just like asking them to cut off their penis and become a woman. I didn't know that such men still exist in this time and age. It's the 21^st century and smelling good is just part of hygiene. Honestly don't think the animal planet way, producing the manly stench from sweat and armpit that smelt as if it was fungal infected is going to attract anyone to get close to them.

There were countless times where I entered an elevator happily and ended up feeling suffocated because some idiot did not choose to put on any deodorant and somehow managed to turn himself into a living skunk and contained his stench in the small space devastating all occupants in it. When he left, he left a legacy of stench. I so wanted to just say, "C'mon dude, here is my Chanel Bleu, please use some" but that would just waste my spit and my Chanel because I don't think he would appreciate it since he has lived with his "so-called" manly stench for like forever. I know I am not only speaking for myself coz the people in the elevator were all cringing, trying to hold their breath.

I came out alive. Nowadays I would make sure that I don't go into any closed space with men or women who are proud of their own stench.

Now, I am not saying that I am a walking flower, but at least I have the decency to put on something to help me smell pleasant.

May 15, 2011

2011-05-15T01:26:00.002+08:00

May 15, 2011

It has been such a long time since I have had the time to sit down and pen words in my head onto paper, or should I say now in this modern age, blog on the web. Somehow I don't really know if what I am doing is the best thing to do as I release the words in my heart into the world. Somehow when I blog I tell a story of my personal life, yet at the same time it can be read by many across the world. So my somewhat private life is no longer that private after all.

Maybe some of you may say why don't you just write it in a journal and call it a day then. I suppose I have lost touch with hand written words. I find that I write faster typing and I can actually think better. If I am not mistaken when the year started I blogged and said that I am going to write on a daily basis. Somehow that did not turn out to be a reality. There are times where I have actually turned on my computer and was ready to write but somehow somewhere something came up and I got distracted and then it was put on hold. Life is like that I guess, and that is one of my issues that I am working on getting better at. I tend to get distracted too easily. Just like work, I have so much to do and sometimes I get too distracted with other stuff that I could not get what I needed to complete done on time. Not that I get distracted by useless matters; I just get so excited about doing something else when the ideas come and I would sort of leave project A to work on Project B and then so forth with Project C,D, and E. You may think whether I am serious when I said I have so many projects at hand. YES I am. I am sorta like the one man show act in the company I am working at now. I am not complaining about my duties, I am just stating a fact that I have been given a lot of projects to handle and sometimes I feel like the company thinks that I have one huge octopus headed brain and eight arms. In a way I guess that is a compliment.

All in all I am very happy with my job, and I love what I do. There are times where I felt like throwing an axe to some colleagues of mine, or felt like I wanted to just burn down the computer system, but these are just a small price I have to pay to be in a pretty awesome company. So, life at work could be simpler, but I am happy for whatever reasons I am.

In the past few months, I have learned a lot about humility as well as patience. Work has definitely tested my patience a lot, and in many ways the people I dealt and met with doing what I do, has humbled me. In many ways the women I met have definitely motivated me to reach for the stars and well be the best of me. You may wonder what company I am working for. .. that's for me to know, and I don't think it is time for me to reveal yet, but in time I may tell you who I work for.

It is already 122am, and I think I should get to bed. Let's hope it won't be another few weeks before I write again.

Chaotic?

2010-11-11T09:13:00.000+08:00

There is just so much I want to say yet I don’t know how I am going to put it into words. So much in my heart and so much in my mind. My life has taken a huge change and people around me are changing. Gone with the old and in comes the new. I suppose I have been quite friendly in the past making it much easier for me to get hurt. The more I have “so-called” friends, who think that they do SO much for me, the more easier I get pulled down by them. So, I have decided to cut some old ties and build some new.

Sometimes some things are just better off left alone, and not mentioned. So, I am not going to put myself through the agony of remembering the good times, talking about what used to be with some “so-called” friends. I am done with them, and well, I moved on, so I shall now drop the issue.

As for work, it’s been a roller coaster ride so far. Not that it has been ugly or anything like that, it is just that one can’t get away from any office politics when one is in the corporate office or work in the management level. Somehow I can say that I’ve been quite stressed out with work. I am not complaining about having bad stress, but more of workload. I don’t have anyone helping me, and I am doing most of the stuff alone. I need to be more careful with the way I handle my time. Time is quite precious to me, and my goal is to have a more balanced life. Time for work, gym, my partner, and also myself. I have been neglecting my writing process, and also my reading. I have not read for ages and because of that I think my brain juice has just depleted. I got to find that balance. I really have to before work and life and love have no balance, and life turns chaotic.

Monday, October 11, 2010 1:59 am

2010-10-11T02:22:00.001+08:00

The past couple of days were really crazy. I went to Singapore with Sharon and Susan (both my bosses) to facilitate a training session in Singapore. It went really well. I loved it. I got to meet many new faces as well as got to touch people's lives. I have always wanted to be part of a company that leads by example that teaches the staff to love themselves before they love the company. I am ever so grateful that God has led me to join this company. Though I may have only been with the company for just a short 6 months so far, I am looking forward to the next 20 years with it.

As I have said, I am gonna be writing 3 things I am grateful for:

I am thankful that I am part of the Mary Kay family.
I am thankful that I am blessed with enough food to never go hungry.
I am thankful that I have a bf, Jamie who waited up for me making sure I am safe when I came home late.

Tuesday, 5th October 2010

2010-10-05T23:37:00.001+08:00

The day went by rather fast today. I dunno where all the hours went. Honestly I don't know. I was just thinking to myself, what have I done the entire day? Meetings, meetings and more meetings, leaving all my work to be done still sitting on the table. However, we had an awesome motivational conference call at work. Although the conference call was mainly for the sales force, I personally learned a lot of things. I have learned that every day I should write down 6 most important lessons I have learned and 3 things I am most grateful for. I am gonna start doing so. Even if I have nothing to write, I still can pen down the 6 most important lessons. J

In order to succeed, we need to dream, and dreaming is not the same as having a goal.
We need to be grateful that we are given challenges.
I am quite a whiner, and I need to change.
I learned that nylon watch straps can be quite awesome looking.
I learned that I have time management problem.
I am great!

Three things I am grateful for:

I am grateful for my family and their support and love. Being a gay Chinese, Mormon, and Malaysian is not easy.
I am thankful for Jamie my partner. He is an amazing man.

I am thankful for my job.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010 1232 am.

2010-09-14T00:57:00.001+08:00

The night is rather quiet and the air in the room is warm and humid. These couple of days have been rather hot and it's been annoyingly warm. I wonder what is happening to our environment. It seems to me that global warming is at its peak and if we do not do anything about it, it's gonna start killing people. Can you imagine a world where the weather can kill? It's like the beginning of a horror movie. Now that aside ( my two cents worth of worth on global environment issues )

Now back to reality.. I think one of the main reasons why I have not been writing giving the excuse that I do not need to write is because I am quite content with my life. I suppose whenever I wrote it was always to vent or to release anger or emotional distress, and when I am not in that situation, I just did not write. I need to cut that habit and start to pen down my thoughts more often. Somehow I feel that my thoughts are just flying away into a void where if it is not written down it will disappear. Lately it has become rather bad. I just can't remember things like I used to. I suppose I better write down my emotions and experiences on a daily basis in order for me to remember what sorta life I've lived in. I do worry somehow. I wonder am I going too public with my life and thought if I share what I feel with the cyber world. Then again, I don't think my life is exciting enough for anyone to follow.

It's funny really how sometimes our lives take its turn-sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worst. I suppose the best is to always expect the worst but pray for the best. I am still trying to balance that. In the Law of Attraction, it is said that one should always think positively believe the best, and yet the best way to avoid disappointment is to expect the worst. This balance is definitely not easy to keep or even strike. All I know and have learned from my personal experiences is that I should believe in the best, and have faith that things will turn out right, but the process may be tough and the process may be daunting; however, it does not mean the rainbow will not come. Just not yet.

Think that's all for tonight … it's almost 1 am and I need to get up in a couple of hours to work. Till then good night my cyber reader friends.

A little update

2010-08-07T22:10:00.001+08:00

Sitting by the lakeside at Laila's café listening to a soloist serenading the crowd with his wonderful baritone voice somehow creates a very serene environment to think and to reflect. Not to mention the great food that is served here.

It has been a rather hectic week or should I say month. I am quite bogged down with the amount of things I need to do. I think lately I have sorta been so tired that my creative juice has totally and completely diminished. So let's see how I can salvage what's left. Okay I better get started with work before I cannot finish it since tomorrow I will not be able to do it. I will be busy with Jamie hehe.. love my man.

A little time and a lot changed.

2010-07-26T11:43:00.001+08:00

A little time has passed. I know I've been saying that I am going to be more active in writing my journal here online. Somehow, I have not been able to keep that promise as life has taken weird and interesting turn in my life that has given me no time nor inspiration to continue writing. Firstly, my new job has taken a huge chunk of my time. I love what I do now. It has been great. Working for Mary Kay has been a dream come true. I suppose after waiting and going through the haystack of jobs, I have finally landed on gold. It's been a joy so far.

As I grow older, I guess I can say that I have also grown wiser. Somehow I realized that I need to see beyond the spectacles of things. To see beyond the mask a person puts on. Sometimes one may look or treat you well, and may be a close friend to you, but in actual fact beyond the mask is a backstabbing, horrifying person. All these may stem from jealousy and pride. All of such is so well known to mankind but as for me, I suppose I chose not to look at that and by so doing, I was stabbed, ridiculed and utterly beaten by jealousy and the pride of others. I am not saying that I am perfect for I too have pride. I guess when you become the victim you learn, and you tend to look into yourself and see if you are one of them. I am guilty, and thus I have to learn more humility. I have long given up my faith and spiritual guidance, which I think I must revisit.

2010-06-16T14:26:00.000+08:00

Another week has gone by. This month has been a rather trying month financially. The fact that I was robbed earlier the month didn’t help at all. Also unexpected expenditure from my parents and the car has actually drained my last drop of cash flow. Now that I do not have a credit card, I basically rely entirely on my cash flow. This morning I was down to my last 180 bucks, and I still have 12 days to go before pay day. However, I realized that I lost 50 bucks somewhere leaving me with the impossible 130 bucks till pay day. Gosh it is definitely trying but in a way I think I will still be able to pull through. I was looking at my calendar and I think I am able to save up and spend less until pay day. Gas for the car is a must!!

Although I may be financially low, still trying to figure out the finances, I am glad that I am happy. My job is stable and it is great. I am happy with it. I look forward to work on a daily basis. I have a kind and loving boyfriend whom I adore. Parents who love me very much. I can’t ask for anything more. This trial is tough, but I shall triumph over it coz of my faith.

2010-06-09T11:28:00.000+08:00

I have written a couple of drafts before this but somehow I was not feeling what I was writing. Work has been keeping me really busy but it is still lots of fun. I am happy where I am. It is so much fun. I find that working with women from all walks of life has taught me a lot. It makes me realize how wonderful women are and how strong they can be. I am learning on a daily basis on how to develop patience and love.

Aloha & Best Regards,

William Loke, Ying Chiang

Sales Educator

Mary Kay (Malaysia) Sdn Bhd

T1-8-1, 8^th Floor, Jaya33, No. 3, Jalan Semangat, Seksyen 13, 46100 Petaling Jaya, Selangor, Malaysia.

Phone No| 603-7711 7616| Fax No| 603-7711 7556

Email : William.Loke@mkcorp.com

Gone with the old and in with the new.

2010-06-04T15:45:00.001+08:00

Lots have happened in the past couple of weeks. I really wanted to write and keep my blog as updated as I can but somehow it is difficult when my computer died on me. When I got my computer fixed, I’ve been working lots. Time has just gone by and it is going by too fast.

Sometimes in life we take many things for granted, thinking that life is always going to be free and given to us without any trouble until we were faced with death himself. Last Friday, while dropping Jon off after dinner, we were robbed. What caught me off guard was the fact that the two Indian robbers came out of nowhere. With a machete at hand, he was so fast that when I realized he had weapon it was already pointed to my neck. Left with no choice we had to give them all our belongings. This happened right in front of Jon’s house as he was opening his gate. Somehow my reality towards my safety has been altered. Everyday since then I have a fear of Indian men. Especially the ones who are on bikes. I somehow don’t understand why they do not want to make themselves useful and get a real job instead of robbing people of their hard earn money. I suppose they are just lazy. I don’t specifically think it’s a racial thing, but it’s an upbringing and mentality thing. For me, anyone who robs are just not right in the head.

Jamie, Jon and myself were all so traumatized that the incident had scared our lives. Thanks to two nonsense, nobody in this world. I’ve been robbed twice and both by Indian men. I feel so sad for them.

I suppose I have to leave that in the past. It’s the future that we’re looking towards. At this point, I had my hair cut really short. It’s a brand new beginning. Somehow after the incident, I felt as if I was given a second chance in life. I am glad that God has always been with me.

I am glad that God has given me so much guidance, and love.

As today marks a new beginning to my blogging again, I am going to post the latest picture of myself as a reminder that things can only get better.

PS: James, my bf gave me a phone that would let me do many things. An android phone. So excited. I can now blog from my phone too.

I love myself

An act of kindness

2010-04-28T09:40:00.000+08:00

As I was walking into a store with my hands full, (I was carrying a microwave) a lady asked if I was going in. She opened the door for me. These acts of kindness is getting very rare in our world today. Many people have become so self absorb (me included) that someone we forget how to be nice. Don't get me wrong, we do nice things but by doing so we always seek something in return. This lady didn't ask for anything in return. She smiled at me and just simply asked if I needed help. We're so lost in our own world and have forgotten that a small act of kindness from us may be a turning point for another. I am re evaluating my life and how I live it. I may not be an instant "yay let's be nice and not bicthy " person but I'll try to be as selfless and I know how. So, will u join me in this act of kindness awareness?
Sent via BlackBerry from Maxis

A new adventure in 5 days.

2010-04-28T01:03:00.001+08:00

Time goes by rather fast. It is already Wednesday when I wake up in the morning, and days draw closer to that first day of me joining the new company. Am I excited. Of course I am. It's been a great blessing to be able to just leave the old establishment I was with for two and a half years to join an establishment that practises The Golden Rule in their management. Leaving the company was an easy decision but saying goodbye to my friends I've made was tough. It's not an easy thing to find colleagues who'd later be your friends at heart.
Besides being excited I'm also quite scared because at the end of the day I'll be working in a completely new environment. I don't know what to expoect so what I can do is just to go in with an open mind and soak it all in. It would be fun :) This marks a new journey of my life in Malaysia. I'll also be blogging more often now since I can blog using my Blackberry. How wonderful is that :) xoxo will

Sent via BlackBerry from Maxis

Testing

2010-04-28T00:32:00.001+08:00

I'm trying to see if I can blog through emailing it in. Then iu can blog with my blackberry

Sent via BlackBerry from Maxis

something awesome this way come

2010-03-08T11:19:00.000+08:00

1122 am, Monday morning. I just can't believe how fast and quick time goes by. It has been a month since my surgery, and it's good to report that I am at least 75% recovered. Doctor said that I will never fully recover so I have to lay off gym for a while. I can't be off gym for that long. I am gonna be super fat.

This year has been quite an interesting year so far. Although it has just been the first quarter of the year, I have been through lots of ups and downs. Work wise, I am so ready for a change. I am just currently waiting for the offer call from Mary Kay. I am sending out the positive vibes and positive energy to the universe so that the universe will align to my desire of joining the company. I can't wait. I think it is about time to embark into a new journey of my career.

As for my love life, love came unexpectedly this year. I've never thought it would happen but it just happened. I am very fortunate and blessed to meet someone who has the heart for me, and me for him. After all the broken and unrealized love affairs that I had had in the past, this was the icing on the cake. I shan't put a name to who I am currently with, but all I can say is he is everything that I wanted and all that I needed, and more.

Things are finally starting to look up. Love life and career a good change. After all the suffocation, I am finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I have to work on now is to be financially capable. By the end of this month, I will definitely be financially stable.

After the long wait, and hard work, I am finally getting my life back and life in order. Looking forward for what amazing things this year is gonna bring me.

1st February 2010

2010-02-01T19:47:00.001+08:00

Another month has gone by. Just can't believe how fast the time is just rolling by. Just about a month ago I was in Bangkok having a blast, and well January just flew by especially when I was admitted in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy done. It was fatal but I survived. I suppose in a way, I am glad I was given a second chance to look at life itself.

Sometimes I find it fascinating and daunting all at the same time how life just woooosh and wooosh past us without us knowing. Surprises keep sneaking up on us in terms of health, finances, and relationships-some good and some bad. February is another month that will be flying by just as fast that it came. Chinese New Year is definitely drawing near. Being stricken by the wound of my appendectomy I will be mostly homebound.

All I am praying now for myself is a speedy recovery.

25 January 2010

2010-01-25T08:23:00.001+08:00

Day two in the hospital. I was admitted to the Kelana Jaya Medical Center yesterday due to acute appendicitis. It is definitely my first time being a patient in the hospital for a surgery. I've never been in a surgery before. I was pretty scared of the procedure to be honest. I did not know what to expect. I was so afraid that it would be painful and I would feel the knife cuts through my skin. I know I am being silly with thoughts like this but then again, I am a surgery virgin. Anyways the surgery went well, the nurses are super nice. I am in good hands. Now I am just resting and hoping to get well soon.

O did I mention that I am on medical leave for two whole weeks?

17 January 2010

2010-01-17T18:43:00.001+08:00

17 January 2010

Finally I have the time to sit down and pen some thoughts after the extensive travelling. I've not been able to sit down and pen down my thoughts for the longest time. Since I returned from Bangkok, I've been traveling around Malaysia for work. Somehow, this has been an interesting way to start of the year. So far it has just been very tiring. Let's just hope and be optimistic about what lies ahead of me. I will need to keep my heads held high for the future.

Somehow these couple of days I have been feeling a little low in self esteem. I suppose it's coz I am letting my weight get to me. I gotta get myself out of this hell gutter of a "waist" management. I do not know why I let myself get down on myself. Somehow I suppose I do not feel all that great about myself at times. This is such a sulky topic and it is such a downer ain't it. I should just stop talking down about myself. As much as I teach my students that you have to look highly about yourself, sometimes it is just not easy to achieve.

I wonder at times when I will find my prince charming. The one person who would be the one who stands next to me at the alter who would say "I do." I know it seems impossible to achieve since marriage is illegal for gay men in Malaysia, but just the thought of someone who is willing to do so, who loves me enough to stand by me is out there just simply puts a smile on my face. God give me strength. I don't want to die a lonesome man.

2nd January 2010

2010-01-06T02:29:00.001+08:00

A brand new year has arrived. In a couple of months I would have lived a life of 32 years. This year is gonna be an exciting yet fabulous year. I have decided to live life to the fullest. Who knows what would happen in the next couple of months. There is really no predictions as to what would happen in the next couple of months. No one can really tell so I am gonna enjoy life to its fullest. This new years eve and start of the new year has proven to be a fabulous one. I am very excited to start my life. Spending the new years in Bangkok has been an exhilarating one here in. I am just very thankful that I am here spending it loud. I know what I what I want to achieve this year. I have my eyes set on a higher paying job, more challenging and give me more of what I want to get out of life. I am gonna read two books a month at the least. I have a goal to also learn Thai language. I have fallen in love with the city and the people especially the food here. The city is amazing and there are just so much to achieve. So much to see and so much to do.

I have started my writing career for the longest time, but because I have given myself too many excuses to not write I have procrastinated and this has taken a toll on y creativity and the finalization of the project. I have decided that by the end of 2010 I will have my first draft finished. I also would like to dabble back into my art, painting, sketching and designing. It has been the longest timer that I have actually lost my connection to my artistic genes. I'm losing it. I suppose because of that I have not been able to push myself. I felt the last year I have somewhat lost my sense of belonging to life. I need to give myself life again. Give myself time to heal the past and remove myself from sadness.

Last year I have learned a lot. I have put up a front of someone I am not. I have given in to many people's point of views and what they expected of me and have lost my sense of direction. I am done with that. I need to bring myself to the brink of sanity and push myself to be who I can be and who I am in FABULOSITY. Living life with multiple explosions is my new motto in life. Deleting people who do not matter to me in my life, bridging stronger ties with my parents and my brother. I think it is about time to learn humility. 31 years of my life I have not achieved much, so this year I am gonna achieve everything I am destined to achieve, both at work and also in life.

I did not have any resolutions in the past year, but this year I am gonna have lots and I WILL see to it that I achieve them. God bless 2010 and bringing myself closer to my Lord is also one of my goals. Oh I am so excited!!

25th December 2009

2009-12-25T11:06:00.001+08:00

I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone who is reading my blog or following my blog a wonderful and magnificent Christmas. Most people would send out their wishes on a couple of days before but being a fashionable diva-ish lazy bastard that I am, I have totally slacked on blogging for the past month. December has been a fantastic month even though I have not been able to sit down with town to call my own until today. This is the only time I get to take a break and have time all to myself. It's all about William for the next 10 days.
Sitting in Starbucks at LCCT, watching the people trickling in and out from the terminal makes me feel so blessed to be part of the traveling crowd. Although I may not be going to a far away land, Bangkok being just a neighboring country of Malaysia, I am lucky enough to get the break and have a nice vacation. This year I have a lot to be thankful for. I am glad and grateful for my family and their support throughout my life. I may not have come so far if I do not have them. As much as they may be royal pain in the ass at times, they have been and are the most important people in my life. My new year's resolution is to build closer ties with my parents and to visit them on a monthly basis even though I may not be able to afford it all the time. It's something I must do. I don't think I have shown enough love for my parents. I have to do more.
I have also made lots of new friends, some were good and some were bad, some were just plain nonsense. But after all life is all about hellos and goodbyes where we meet greet and when all is done we kick them off the team LOL. (said it in a totally bitchy way)What I actually wanna say is that we meet lots of people in our lives, some we keep and they stay as part of our lives being someone significant in our lives, and some we meet, we experience and when all is needed to learn from them is over, we say goodbye and part ways. Some however are just jerks that we wished we were smart enough in the beginning to not even say hi or have anything to do with them. Trust me I have met all sorts this year. But after all said and done, I am thankful for everyone I have crossed path with. Friends I have now are friends I can count on.
I have a good feeling about next year. It's going to be exciting. I can't wait, I just can't. It is amazing to be where I am at the moment. It is just fantastic to be here and also be alive. As part of my life here on earth I think my main purpose in life is to find happiness and also to bring happiness to the ones we love.
I think it is time for me to board. Till next year. God bless and love you all.

Merry Christmas.

6th December 2009

2009-12-07T23:05:00.001+08:00

Another year has slowly crept by so fast. I could not believe that in the next 25 days we will be welcoming a brand new year, with brand new resolutions and brand new dreams. Sitting down in my hotel room, I am thinking of what I have achieved, mistakes I have made, resolutions that I have kept, and people I have met and forgone. It has been a very delicious year. A year filled with lots of challenges, laughter, sleepless nights and dreamy days. All in all I won't say that I regret the year that has passed, but there are parts of this year which I wish it could be omitted, and part of which I wish it could be relived, and part I wish it could be changed. But nonetheless, the past is the past, and nothing can be done about it.

I have learned something that is quite great while throughout this year, and that is self believe, and most importantly to change what I can change, accept what I cannot change and to know the differences. That's something that has given great value to my life. I can't say that I am 100% happy, but neither am I unhappy. Life is such a curious thing. One minute things are going so well, and the next everything falls off the heavens and just drop on you. Many would just lay there and keep quiet, hoping that someone would pass by and help them. But the stronger ones would be pissed at first, and then after giving much thought, they would wiggle their way out from the debris of broken dreams and wasted sorrows, and end up standing up and living life fabulously yet again. I would like to think that I am the latter. Beginning of the year through the middle of the year, I was devastated with lots and lots of emotional burden. Somehow in the past couple of months, my life has gotten more enlightenment and also a lot clearer. My destiny in life somehow becomes a lot clearer to me.

I am excited to see what 2010 has for me. 2010 I will be 32. Let's see what the coming yeah has for this fabulous gay Chinese Mormon boy from Malaysia.

4th November 2009

2009-11-09T09:44:00.001+08:00

Kuantan. First day of work here in Kuantan. I've never really been to Kuantan. I've only passed through it once. I've never been to Kuantan, so this trip is definitely a new experience for me. I did not know what to expect, but the city itself is not that bad at all. It has some humongous malls and the food is quite yummy. I'll be for another week or so, so we shall see how and where it goes from here.

1st November 2009

2009-11-09T09:43:00.001+08:00

Sunday. I just had a great meeting with my BTEC mentor this morning, (Dr. Steve Collins). The discussion was mainly about work and how to improve on the way we work. It was very successful. I had a fantastic time sitting down with Dr Collins talking about the progress of my career as well as the program I am doing with him. It was quite intense. I am so behind in schedule but talking to him is totally inspiring.

31st October 2009

2009-11-01T01:26:00.001+08:00

Another Saturday has just gone by so suddenly. It is as if Saturday did not really exist. The days where leisure is concern would just fly by without even being noticed. Last night was a good night. Went to Frangipanis with the boys and had a fabulous time. I just love Saturdays. Sitting in a café and just looking at people. I love the fact that I was able to just go and have a relaxing time without anyone distracting me while I write and do my work.

Looking at the past couple of weeks working in Sintok, I personally think that I have done a fantastic job. Though I may still have lots to experience and learn, I was really happy with the result that I brought to the students. Most important to me at the moment is that I was able to instill a whole lot of confidence and discipline and desire to learn in them. Although I wished I was able to get through to all of them, some of them were just not ready for change. Their change in heart was not there. They were not able to grasp the fact that they need to grow. If they want to succeed in life they will need to change. I am still trying to figure out how I can be harsh at the same time be kind. It's not the easiest thing to accomplish. Being in this life changing line of duty, I guess, we have become guardian angels to some people, and we don't even realize it. Isn't that amazing…

26 October 2009

2009-10-27T00:00:00.001+08:00

It's 1146 pm. I couldn't sleep. Most likely it's because of the coffee I just had 20 minutes ago. I do have problem sleeping anyways. Don't usually get rested. I don't really know why but it has been like this for the past couple of years. I guess when I was in high school I always had to stay up late revising. That sorta screwed up my sleeping habits. I am not sure if that is the reason to my sleeping disorder, but it's just a guess.

Anyways, this morning when I woke up, I could hardly get out of bed. I think I snoozed for 5 times before I could drag myself out of bed. The room was quiet and cold. I was so comfortably tucked under the sheets. It reminded me so much of winter in Hong Kong. Not wanting to get out of bed, just wanna sleep in. When I got into the shower, I don't know how, but I pulled a muscle. My neck went stiff and that was it. It sorta spoiled my mood for the entire day. I was in pain. Literally. I got some Salon Plus, and I sure hope that by tomorrow that pain in my neck will go away. At least most of it. I just wanna sing, "pain pain go away don't you ever come again."

It's midnight now. I think I should get my fat ass in bed. Good night blog. Good night Sintok, and Good night world. Till we meet again in the morning..

Peace out.

25 October 2009

2009-10-25T19:12:00.001+08:00

Sunday. Another day's work has just completed. It somehow is good to know that I am doing a great job, and being appreciated by the people I am training. I may be a hard on them but I make sure they understood why. The last week has actually been superbly awesome. It has been a rather spiritual time for me here. The quietness, and also two weeks of absolute cut off from temptation is rather good for me. I somehow see a lot more of what I can do and what I am made out of.

That aside, I was rather pissed off last night because of some rumors being spread around about me being a boyfriend snatcher. What an absurd accusation. I am one guy who hates people who are lie mongers. And I know who was spreading rumors about me too. What a rotten pain in the ass.

22 October 2009: Updates

2009-10-22T11:47:00.001+08:00

It's 1030 am and the students are going on their break. It has been a wonderful week here in Sintok. Another one more week to go, and then I will be back in KL. Can't believe how fast time goes by. In a blink of an eye, October is already closing in at the end of the month. One more week and we are going to welcome November.

I've grown fond of the students here in Sintok. Seeing them on a daily basis, they have become very comfortable with me around them. The sessions are more productive because they are more open to change, and also receptive to my feedback. It's good to see the way they progressed and the way they actually carry themselves. It's nice.

As for my love life, let's take a walk back into memory lane. A couple of months ago I've been up and down because of my emotions towards a certain someone. In a way it has taken a toll on my physical, mental, and professional self. Somehow October has served as a wonderful comeback for me. My dating life is well, not fully calendered but it ain't all that bad either. I sorta dated a guy and it didn't work out because he was quite a handful. He was sweet, and nice. He was extremely nice to me, but he does not have any self confidence, and he was too needy. I felt suffocated, so I decided that we should just stay friends. Somehow on our third date, he already told his friends that I was his lover and boyfriend. Even telling his family so. It was just too fast for me. He didn't know how to back off. So, I had to cut the ties. At the end of the day, I need to be comfortable and happy with the person I am with. I was not comfortable with him anymore. It was awkward. We're friends now, and hopefully, I will meet someone who would make me happy and comfortable.

19 October 2009

2009-10-19T00:21:00.001+08:00

The second day in Sintok is rather quiet. I have a goal being here besides just resting, and thinking things through about work, I am also here to take a break from everything else out in the city. The hectic life in KL has definitely taken a toll on my spirituality. I needed the break. It's good to know that when I go back to KL I am gonna be back refreshed. It will be good. I can feel it. This break in Sintok is really good for my soul. The people here are nice. At least so far they are good to me. And I am liking the relaxed pace here.

Time for bed.

17 October 2009

2009-10-17T12:24:00.001+08:00

Last night I had a blast at Frangis. It's been a long time since I had such a great time. I managed to meet some new people that I've not met before. It was fun. These past month went by rather quickly. I can't believe that it's already November in 2 weeks, and then I will be heading to Bangkok for a great holiday. Christmas and New Year in Bangkok. Should be fun. It is going to be a fantastic holiday. I can already feel it in my blood.

I am sorta excited that I am flying off to Sintok today. I will be there for 2 weeks. In these two weeks, it would be a great time for me to actually sit down and think of my priorities, keep up with my reading. I need to get back into my reading and writing. No more excuses of not having enough time. J

14 October 2009 : Sintok Day 2

2009-10-14T09:25:00.001+08:00

Today is the second official day in Sintok. When I was first notified that I would be coming to Sintok, I had a slight shock because I've never heard of the place before. Not that Malaysia is a huge country, but there are places not really mapped in my geographical knowledge of the world. So, off I went two days ago, and arrived here in Sintok on Monday evening. Little did I know that there are some cute boys here. Hehehe. Most of them Thai nationals.

My first thought of being Sintok was, O MY GOSH, where am I gonna stay? I don't wanna be held up in a hotel that is completely dysfunctional and dirty. Little did I know that the hotel here is actually quite nice. The hotel itself is situated on a hill, with green surroundings. The best part of the hotel is its cleanliness and of course the rain shower is a complete plus. All in all, to my surprise I am totally enjoying my stay here in Sintok. I am loving the nature.

26th September 2009

2009-09-26T02:39:00.001+08:00

26 September 2009

Another Friday just went by just like that. It is as if things are just too fast. I am not complaining though. It feels great that things are going quick. Another couple of months and I will be in Bangkok and I am so excited that I will be there to have a good time. I can't wait. Currently I am in Ipoh visiting my parents. It has been a while since I actually paid a visit, and it feels great to be with them and spend some time with them again. I had a nice walk with mom today. We laughed so much that my stomach hurt. I realized that spending some quality time just chillin out with them makes their day. Mom asked me about my boyfriend yet again today during dinner. She asked if I was gonna bring my boyfriend home. Only if I have one, I would bring him home. J

24 September 2009

2009-09-24T12:56:00.001+08:00

24 September 2009

Another long hiatus from writing on my blog. I seriously need to keep a writing schedule or else I would not be able to finish any of my writing. I have taken a good two and a half years from writing my novel. I will need to finish it by the end of the year. That is my target. I would like to get my book published. I am somehow rewriting some parts that I have already written. I suppose my story line was a little bit vague. So it needed to be more detailed and tweaked. Many people have asked me what sorta story am I writing and what has inspired my writing. I don't specifically have an inspiration at the moment. For a while I lost the desire to write because I felt that my muse disappeared on me. I was absolutely uninspired. One thing for sure, I have learned that in order for me to complete and finish my writing, I need to find my muse within myself. I just can't keep looking for a muse outside. So, I have been searching for it. It took me a couple of years and I have finally found my muse within. What am I writing? I am writing a book or a story that I want to read. I love reading yet I have not read anything like what I am writing. So I suppose it's an experimental piece of work. I will in my blog put snippets of it so that some of you who actually read my blog would have a chance to read my work.

It's been a shaky couple of months. I suppose ever since moving on from the J experience, I've grown. The experience has definitely made me a stronger person. It has taught me a lot about myself. I am actually quite happy and don't regret it. That's for sure.

As for my job, there was a time I felt that I wanted to leave, but now, I have a different take to my existence in the company. I am gonna fight for my spot in the company. I really am. All the ups and downs have given me a different outlook to how I am gonna work and what I am gonna do to take me places within the industry.

August 23 2009 Sunday

2009-08-24T09:26:00.001+08:00

August 23, 2009 Sunday

Yet another Sunday has just gone by successfully. Somehow weekends go by much faster than a normal week. A day, a month, and a year would just disappear without a trace, and history makes its mark in the journals of many people alive, or even the dead. This weekend has been a difficult yet eventful. I've come to conclusion to many things. At times I am still confused as to what I should do with my life now. What course should I be taking at this crossroad? Part of me is still dead from Jonathan's ordeal, and part of me is excited about the new people in my life. Two Fridays ago, through Selina I met a wonderful man by the name of Anderson whom I have taken a liking towards. Impossible it may seem, my heart wants a new chapter to be opened, yet I am afraid to. Is it because I still have Jonathan in my heart? Seeing him last Friday at Frangis, where he acted as if nothing happened, and I was just another quick "hi" and "bye" acquaintance broke my heart yet again. I realized then that I have not totally and completely let go. Secretly I still want him although I know it is impossible. Is it because I am enthralled by the idea of being with someone or is it really because of him? Why does it still hurt? I don't know.

On the flip side of the coin, there is Anderson. Someone I know is sincere and good. With Anderson, I don't specifically know what I should do. Do I like him? Yes I do. I think he is a great guy. He has a wonderful smile, and there is something about him that makes it very comfortable to be with. He takes interest in me, and that is a nice change. I know no one is perfect and the part of me that tries to create the perfect partner and yearns for that perfect partner is telling me that he does not speak English, which is one of the most crucial attribute that I want in a partner. Then again, another part of me is telling me that it is not important to have everything that I want in a partner as long as his heart is in the right place. Should I or should I not give myself a chance to get to know Anderson? After experiencing what I have with Jonathan, I am afraid that my heart will be taken and crushed yet again.

I am at this crossroad of a choice that I don't know what I should do. What should I do? God please help me and guide me.

PS: I suppose watching my life is like watching soap opera. One can make a living just telling my story on television.

Sunday 2 a.m

2009-08-23T13:09:00.001+08:00

Sunday 1.08 a.m. I couldn't sleep. Spent the day out aimlessly, walking around in a secluded mall. Somehow, the heart of mine still feels empty, and I just had too much time to think. All my life I looked for angels and when I thought I found one where I could rest my head on, it seemed that heaven played a fool of me. It has been almost 3 months since I met Jonathan, and a month since I last talked to him. Somehow, I tried to run, I tried to forget, and I even tried to tell myself that I am no longer hung up on him. Yet, I do not know why my heart aches as I saw him last night being close to someone else. I told people that he meant nothing to me anymore, but yet my heart tugged. Though it was not as bad as a month ago, it still tugged. Did I really fall that hard for Doctor Jonathan Ng? I don't know. I am just waiting for time to mend this part of me..

My Heaven is Your Hell

2009-08-06T14:28:00.002+08:00

The mind in limbo
Drunk and taken to a place like no other
A place where there is no fear, no adversaries, him or ya mother
A vacuum of bliss and pulsating heart beats
Where bodies can be released and all goes free
The mind is embracing it..embracing it

**Chorus
It makes me wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I wanna be a slave for you all night long
It makes me wanna ride and get on high
Screaming into ecstasy, like a roller coaster ride,
You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs
Let's get freaky,
Let's get naughty,
Get all the hotties and grind them to the ground. Uh uh uh

The body says I'm guilty
Drunk and taken to a space, it's fantasy
A place where there is no fear, no adversaries, him or ya mother
A vacuum of bliss and pulsating heart beats
Where bodies are wet pushin' one another
My mind is embracing it..embracing it

Bridge:
What's the rumor that I hear?
It's my prerogative, why don't you let me go
Or come and let me show you how it's done
I don't need permission to make my own decision
It's my heaven, your hell, why don't you do something?
Come on in, come on in, and let me show you how it's done.

All In The Name of Love

2009-08-03T09:09:00.002+08:00

Like an innocent child
He embarked on a journey craving for, longing for, and waiting for
Like a father waiting for the first born
He anticipated, fantasized, and emotionally caped
Trusting in Him he let go and set free
Hoping that and believing that strength is given when he falters
All not knowing there is darkness to light;
Unknowing heartache over joy.
As his story unfolds,
A painful lesson learnt, wisdom acquired.
Though life journey may not be his perfect story,
A beauty and a gem are unorthodoxly found.
Through great pains is joy found.
Through heartbreaks is love found.
Life in general in all curiosity
He found the true purpose of living.
All in the name of LOVE.

A Caged Bird by William y.c. Loke

2009-08-03T09:07:00.002+08:00

(Inspired by a caged bird and the music that was playing)

I'm the bird that you kept in your cage
You cared for me the way you knew how
As time went, there was another who came into your life,
The days you talked to me and I listened were lesser
As your heart began to pour to a stranger I did not know

As the bird in your cage all I can do was watch
As you walked out of the door, not looking back
You smiled at me, not knowing I longed for those days to return
Rainy days where you stayed in, sipped your coffee and adored me
I'm the bird that watched as you coldly stopped loving me.

I'm the bird captured in my own thought
Drunk and abandoned by the owner, set free yet unwilling to leave
Hoping that you will one day remember me
I'm the bird who has forgotten the color of the sky

Now I only see your shadows as you walk in with another
Songs I used to sing were forgotten, as you wake up to another
I'm like the bird you once captured now set free
Unwilling to fly because I do not know how.

I'm like a bird once captured,
who could not remember the scent of spring roses
Once you swept me off my feet and took me home
You loved me as your own,
Now you set me free and as I fly off into the night
I no longer sing.

Wishing He Was Somehow Here Again. By William Y. C Loke

2009-07-23T08:29:00.002+08:00

Early in the morning I brewed coffee while you're sleeping
Putting breakfast on your table as you shower and shave
Sharing kisses for the morning and the sweet tender goodbyes

Early in the morning I wake up to see your face
The innocence and the smile that runs on your lips
Dreaming away as I slip my fingers through your hair
All these wonderful times are now a past tense.

When you left, it seems like everything falls apart
The time you left my doorway, a shadow crept into my soul
Now the nights are spent watching the walls
Staring at the night shades wondering if you'd ever call
Will you come back to me?
I could not imagine how I could make it through
'coz there is no me without you.

Friends tell me to find someone else
A replacement so I could lose myself in the charades again
But an imitation will not recover the one that I just lost
I don't want to try on someone else, I don't care to change my disguise.

The formal invitations are rejected for I am still sober
Not drunk from the nights of trying to lose myself
Coming home empty hearted empty handed to empty spaces
Wishing you were there again to welcome me home.

When you left, it seems like everything falls apart
The time you left my doorway, a shadow crept into my soul
Now the nights are spent watching the walls
Staring at the night shades wondering if you'd ever call
Will you come back to me?
I could not imagine how I could make it through
'coz there is no me without you.

The Final Bow of the Heart. By William Y.C. Loke

2009-07-23T08:14:00.002+08:00

Sitting in front of the piano
Dew dropped from a withered rose
Not knowing what to write
As the heart gravitates to the minor keys
The man's heart left barren
Leaving only a lover's concerto in C minor

A fall from grace all so cold
A choir master who lost his voice
The only heart string that was touched once by
an angel, now only sings of bitter cold.
A hymn that was once a song of love
now left desolate with notes without words

The hands that once touched many lives,
Now wrinkled with strength to move on
A walk once taken reminiscences of a once upon a time
Long have the colors of the disappeared
leaving only dreams with shades of grey.

If there's a prayer, a call, please don't forget me
Promise me you'll mention me in that hymn
A prayer to move on from the desert
With no more tears of a broken hearted man.
As the dawn comes through the window
A heart broken only to be mended
To have a guardian to keep it safe and warm

When the pianist's life comes to an end
The choir master draws his last breath
The hands who touched; his spirit leaves
They could only dream of a yesterday once more.
As the heart takes its bow before the exit
It only has one last wish.
Wishing his love was somehow here again.
Wishing that somehow, somewhere love will
return to resurrect the heart that finally died.

Have you ever thought of me? By William Y.C. Loke

2009-07-23T08:09:00.002+08:00

Have you ever thought of me,
When you go to bed at night?
Have you ever missed my touch,
My scent or my voice?
You once told me when you held me
That I leave no scent on your pillow
You once told me that you'll remember my touch….

***
What happened to the person I once knew
What happened to the feeling I once had
The person I see in the mirror,
Reflection of a stranger
I could never take my heart over..

Have you ever thought of the "what ifs"?
If you saved a little love for me
Have you ever looked carefully?
Coz I've been trying to tell you that
I'm in love with you.

Have you ever thought of me
When you're home watching tele?
Have you ever missed the fingers
That run through your hair?
You once kissed me when you see me
Oh how I long for another
You once told me that you
Might miss me

**
All I can do is just to wait,
Through the rain, silence and pain,
Hoping that someday,
You'll give me a chance to say…

Repeat ***
July 14, 2009

A Song For the Empty Hearted

2009-07-23T08:06:00.002+08:00

A love song is a song
That can only be written when one is in love
A love song is a song
That can only bring tears to the one it is meant to be
A love song is a song that can only be written from the heart.

I've written this song for you,
And it was a love song,
This is a song that I've written
from the bottom of my heart.

There are many love songs written
Many are meaningful but it's written for anyone and everyone
This song is written especially for you
If you understood the meaning of this, then our hearts were meant to be.
But if you understand not then it was never meant to be.

Destiny conspire the stars and the sky to bring laughter in the night
It brought a tune to my heart
And with that tune a this song is then written
A love song I have written for you.

A Hymn For Those Left Behind by William Y. C. Loke

2009-07-23T08:04:00.002+08:00

He only dreams of loving someone of his own
When he wakes he would realize that he's alone
And when he sees lovers holding hands
His heart tugs as his hands were cold and bare.

When all is gone, so will his hope to find eternity
When dreams are shattered many tend to falter
A faithless soul whose heart is left stranded
On an island where dreams are quiet and cold.

This is a song I have written for the lonely
When the night draws near, when the cold adds fear,
Of losing the heart that one once held dear.
This is a song for all those left behind
This is a hymn for all who were left barren.
This is a prayer for all whose hearts were left desolate.
This is a call for all the lovers to be reminded
To sing a hymn for all those left behind.

Her tears washes her face in the mornings
Her wish is a heartbeat next to her bed
But only the scene of winter sky of bleak shadow
Dances her head of lonely meadow.

She once held his arms around her
The tiny arms before he grew older
Lullabies were songs of yesterday's glamour
O how she wished a mother's prayer is answered.

If there's a hymn for all those left behind
If there's a prayer for all those left barren
If there's a hope for all those in despair
If there's a heart for all those who need healing
This is a call for all the saints be reminded
To sing a hymn for all those left behind.

Starting to move on

2009-07-14T13:13:00.001+08:00

July 14, 2009

It has been almost a whole week since I last heard from Jon. Somehow the nights of me thinking of him and waking up to the thoughts have finally gone. I no longer think of his that often anymore. Although I may not think of him or miss him that much anymore, I still love him and hope that someday he will see me the same way I see him as well. I know that it is not something that would happen overnight. As of now, he doesn't miss me, and I have a feeling that he is probably avoiding me. There is nothing I can do to make him see me if he doesn't want to. I suppose destiny has charted a different course for me to go. I once thought that he does like me, but I suppose that is not the case. Does he really care? It is a question I wonder.

It does feel good that I am able to slowly forget that feeling I have for him and move on. What my friends said was very true. If he can't see how wonderful I am then he does not deserve me.

The answer

2009-06-28T12:33:00.001+08:00

I finally got the answer. He likes me and enjoys my company a lot but he is not falling in love with me. He does not have the head over heels feeling for me.

He does not see me.

Not knowing is so tough

2009-06-26T01:29:00.001+08:00

June 24, 2009

Another day in Dungun. This time I am here with Qeadi and Nizar and it should be a fun and exciting day. I am rather excited about this trip. Honestly, after a good night talk over wine with Kristy last night, lots of things came into place and a lot of my feelings have been isolated to a point where I can identify and control. Kristy told me that I have shown too much interest and also put too many of my cards on the table with Jon, and that I should hold my cards back. I only have a couple of cards and he has only thrown a few out. So this trip is a great trip out and this week I will be able to know if he actually cares. Yesterday after chatting online for a bit, he seemed quite distant. Well I suppose me saying that if he has no plans on Friday I would cook for him was a little too much. Maybe he feels that I am coming on too strong and getting too sticky. Maybe unknowingly I have become a little sticky. But I am just doing what someone who is infatuation do. If you like someone you want to spend as much time as you can with him. I suppose he doesn't really like me that much if he doesn't want to spend time with me. So, I am gonna start pulling back. As pull back from the table where Jon and I are dealing our cards I will get to know if he really cares and like me as much as I hope he would. If not then I know I should just back off.

In a way, somehow after last night, my heart was much lighter. I do not get a painful jab in the heart to think that he is sleeping with someone else. It seemed that I am more console knowing that if it is not meant to be then it is not meant to be. I know that I will be able to understand where I am and where I am going with this. He may not be doing anything with anyone else, but if he chooses to, who am I to say no. I am actually nothing to him at the moment. It has always been me and it was only me feeling the way I am. Gosh what Kristy said about me is so true. She said that I am always jumping and falling too hard too fast. I should hold back and play hard to get. And I suppose this is the time I am going to start. Kristy said it might be too late. I am not sure of anything now, but only time will tell. I am going to only text him before he flies to Hong Kong and it will read, "Have a safe trip. Know that I will miss you. I'll see you when I see you. Till then, God bless. "

I am so glad that in a way my heart is somehow lighter and less bogged down. Even lesser than before.

Waiting for him . . .

2009-06-23T15:36:00.001+08:00

June 23, 2009

The weekend has gone by. Saw Jon last night, stayed over and came to work. Asked if he wanted to watch Transformers with me, but he said he will have to see what the other guys (Marc Marc who also likes him and Leonard who also likes him) are going to do. He said before I asked they have already asked him. So, I was late to ask him. So I told him if I don't see him this Friday then I will see him when he returns from Hong Kong. I told him if he has no plans on Friday I would like to cook for him since I promised him a home cooked meal, but he has not answered me since. Asked him on msn but he has not answered me. Guess he is too busy. Well if he doesn't wanna hang out, then well he lost a chance to hang out with me. I think I am over thinking and over beating myself up over him too much. I need to start letting go of my emotions and not get too deep into it. I really do not know where this is going, but I gonna pull my horses. Hang in there and see how the story unfolds. And well, in the next two days when I am in Dungun I shall not think of him at all. I shall enjoy Dungun and concentrate on giving the best lecture in the world. If he does think of me, then he will text or call me. If I don't see him this Friday, then I will see him when he wants to see me.

Ridiculous insanity and redemption of thoughts

2009-06-21T10:41:00.001+08:00

June 21, 2009

In the midst of battling my own personal issues, I have sorta lost my sense of self. I think most of us when we are in a situation where we focus on trying to get out of the situation; we are bogged down with the consequences and the sorrows of the situation. Somehow, the light and the beauty of whatever we are in are not able to be seen nor able to penetrate into our hearts because we as human beings are so used to devouring our own sorrows and as a form of protection we hibernate in the our broken heart. As for me, I have come to realize that many a times, (especially while I am going through this situation that I am going through with J,) I fall into an emotional low because of unnecessary thoughts. Some are almost delusional that and of which my mind would make up. Being a hyper-sensitive, I have the tendency to feel more than I should, and when the emotional imbalances would hit me, whether be it positive or negative emotions, I would bring it to an extreme.

In the past couple of days, I have been rather bogged down by my feelings for J, and how I do not understand why I am falling for him so hard and so fast. It is so unconventional for me to fall for a guy like him. I've been told by many of my friends who know me very well, that J is not the kind of person I would usually go on a date with, or even have a second look at. My only reply to them was, I don't know why, but it all came very naturally and unexpectedly. I, myself, was shocked by it as well. When I realized that I have developed feelings for him, I just do not know what to do. It was a little frustrating because we were just friends to begin with. Then, as time goes by, we have both talked about it, and he told me twice that he likes and fancies me, but just not ready to hop into a new relationship due to the fact that he has just gotten out of a 7 year relationship. I thought to myself, "fair enough." Most of the guys I dated were rather plutonic, but with J, it seeped into my life like a thief in the night. I only realized I like him when I felt a pang of jealousy when he told me he was going out with another guy. Though he did tell me that they are just friends and nothing will ever happen, and that he is not into him and so forth and so on, my heart could not help feeling pinched because he is going out with another man. When that feeling occurred, I realized that I am in deep shit. Because, as my mom has always warned me, "William you need to be very careful with your heart because when you fall in love with someone you fall hard. You need to save a little for yourself, and not give it all," I have fallen for him. The more I hang out with him, the more I realize I want him in my life.

So far, he has treated me well, and I know for a fact that he likes and fancies me too. We would spend time just chillin and we are happy with each other's company. He would call me and in a way, I think he misses me at times too. I just wish that sometimes I know what he is thinking and how he sees me. Does he think of me while I am not around? In a way, my heart tells me that he is the one and that I should pursue, but at the same time, my mind is telling me to hold back and wait. The mind over heart matter is just so confusing. In that sense I have been so bogged down trying to control my emotions. I know he likes me but how much. Is it enough to develop feelings for me, or does he just sees me as a good friend whom he could sleep with? I just wish I know the answer to the question. It makes life much easier. But when we talked about it, he said, "I fancy you and like you if not I would not sleep with you. I just need some time to go and figure out what being single is like. I enjoy your company and what we have. I am not ready for a relationship, but I would like us to continue to have what we have without labeling it." In a way, these two days I have sorta figured myself out, and after a nice chat with some friends last night, I realized that I can't control how he feels about me, so I just have to accept and make peace with it. I like him, and I am not going to stop liking him. I will not push myself on him. If he really likes me, someday when I am not there, he would miss me, and want me around. And when that happens, I will be there. I will love him the same and not change what I have been doing for him, and with him, but at the same time, I am going to bring my focus back to my work, and in a way that would give me a chance to breathe. I just got too bogged down over matters that were not even there. Like if he really likes me and if it is going to work and all that nonsense. If he doesn't like me, he wouldn't call or care about me. If he doesn't have feelings for me, and one can easily tell if the other person is not interested.

All in all, after this weekend, after figuring out my own insanity, I have come to realize that I just need to breathe and enjoy the roses. Because at the moment I have a bouquet of roses but I have been so bogged down over what if I get pricked by the thorns and being afraid to embrace it, and forgetting that someone has sent me the bouquet and just that alone is beautiful, and the roses are magnificent. It's time for me to smell the roses. And it's time for me just to enjoy having Jon in my life, and not looking at what if he doesn't like me because he does.

Maybe he’s just not into me

2009-06-20T14:01:00.001+08:00

Well I'm not the type
To hand my heart over
Thought I was stronger
So I'm wonderin' why
I can't shake this feeling
Look what you're doing to me

No I'm not the type, not the type
To move in too quickly
Whenever you're near me
I just can't deny
The way that I'm feeling
I don't know what happens to me
I get nervous, I get breathless
When you're here next to me and

[chorus]
Some people wait for a lifetime
To feel like this baby
They keep waiting
So lets take a chance
While it's here, while we can
We can make it
But don't keep me waiting for you

On you

Well, it's Friday night
I just tried to call you
I wonder where you are
Is everything alright
I wanna be with you
I wish I could reach you
I wish I could see you right now
I'm so anxious I don't wanna loose you
Or loose what we have cause

[chorus]
Some people wait for a lifetime
To feel like this baby
They keep waiting
So lets take a chance
While it's here, while we can
We can make it
But don't keep me waiting for you

Some people wait
Thinking someday they'll find
Somethin' better
But I'm not afraid of making mistakes
So I'll, I'll take my chance

Some people wait for a life time
To feel like this baby
They keep waiting
So lets take a chance while it's here
We can make it
So don't keep me waiting

[chorus]
Some people wait for a lifetime
To feel like this baby
They keep waiting
So lets take a chance
While it's here, while we can
We can make it
So don't keep me waiting for you

For you

It feel like I keep waiting for J. And just feel that he is just not into me…

Secretly thinking

2009-06-19T09:18:00.001+08:00

When a person feels helpless it is also a time when you feel the loneliest. At least that is how I feel. When Jon feels down and low and there is nothing I can do to help him or make him smile or happy

It makes it so much harder when he is someone I care dearly about. It breaks my heart to see him this way. I got a text from Angie telling me that sometimes people need to go through things on their own. Give him space, and asked me to chin up. I suppose it's true. There is nothing I can do but to pray for him and be there for him when he needs me. That I will always do.

Thinkin’ of him

2009-06-15T10:31:00.001+08:00

June 14, 2009

Someone once told me that I will know when someone starts to mean something more than just friend to me when I start thinking about that person more. The clarity comes when the last person we think of before we sleep is the person we care most at that point in time. In the past couple of days, I've been hanging out with J, but it was only recently that I have been thinking of him before bed.

Something to look forward to

2009-06-13T10:20:00.001+08:00

It's been a few weeks since Jon and I started hanging out. It's been quite awesome. We've been hanging out a lot more, and since we have opened up and talked about how we feel about each other and what we are to each other it has been so much better. We are not officially dating, but we're hanging out and just enjoying each other's company. We're not putting a label or title to what we have, because we both agreed that if we put title and labels to what we have, we are putting more pressure that we do not need.

I really am looking forward to see where this will go…

Falling for J

2009-06-09T10:26:00.000+08:00

June 9th 2009

Life is such a curious thing. It is a journey and a path that we take to in hope to find what we desire in our heart. In the past couple of months, my journey in life has been rather unpredictable and awkward at times. It has not been easy. There were many roadblocks and trials I had to overcome. A month ago a guy approached me on the dance floor of a party. I shall refer to him as X. We met, we chatted, we clicked, and we started dating. I admit it was plutonic and things went fast. I suppose I did not expect anyone would come and talk to me, more so anyone to be interested in me. So I gave it a chance, and I started to like him a lot. Somehow due to some major issues on his side, the relationship did not work out.
Throughout the whole ordeal, I also met X’s friend. I shall name his friend J. Somehow, J and I started to chat and talk and eventually throughout the two months that we’ve been friends, we’ve become more and more comfortable with each other. X and I sorta fell out out of what we had. There were just too many hurtful emotions that happened and I would not like to be reminded of it. Thus, I shall leave it as it is. We dated, and it did not happen. On the other hand, J and I started to hang out more often and somehow I am starting to like him more and more. This feeling that I have for J is becoming stronger and stronger. I do not know if he even has the same feelings for me.
The first time we hung out, we were just chillin and there were not much emotions attached except we’re friends. Things we talk about are just minimal and surfaced. As time went by, we started to be so comfortable with each other. We would cuddle while we watch television. I would caress his hands as he does the same. Whenever we sleep, he would hug and hold my hands. He has a towel prepared for me each time I would go to his place. He would sorta expect that I’d be spending the night. We’d walk around the place in our boxers. The way he looks at me, and the way he touches me, I feel something, but yet I could not confirm.
I have been told that he might just be a friend and nothing more. My BFF told me that I should hold out and see what he has to say, and to enjoy what I have at the moment. Part of me wants J to know that I have feelings for him, and am ready to venture with him, and yet part of me is afraid of being rejected. But all in all, most of the time, I was told that I usually fall for guys or date guys who are physically great looking but J does not fall in any of those categories. I fell for J unexpectedly. And I am curious, and scared all at the same time. . to see how this road and story unfolds…

It's unexpected

2009-06-08T18:19:00.001+08:00

It’s all unexpected.
The night he walked up to me,
I knew you not.
The night he held my hands,
I knew you not.
The time I spent with him,
I knew you not.

Since when did you come into my life?
When did you come into my life?
When did I start to notice you?
It’s when you didn’t notice me.
Through the moments we spent
The hours we laughed together
In total unexpected grace.

It’s all unexpected.
The time my heart kept open,
You see me not.
The night my heart desired
You see me not.
The moment my heart sang jealousy,
You see me not.

Since when did you come into my life?
The unexpected memories
When I thought I was strong
My heard decided I was wrong.
You put smiles on me.
You gave sense to my life
But after all said and done,
My heart still remains undone
Because you see me not.

It’s all unexpected, and all complicated.
My heart has mended
And when you came
I swear it was just like something from the movie scene,
When you came unexpexctedly
You mean everything to me.
You are everything I wanna say,
Everything I wanna know.

Unexpectedly,
I was mended by you.
But the question lies… Do you see me?

The heart has found its muse

2009-05-07T18:22:00.001+08:00

So I met someone last Friday. It's a long but sweet story. Spent the weekend together, chilled and got to know him a little. He's sweet and he's nice. An amazing catch. I was totally caught off guard when he approached me at the dance floor. We walked out, sat down and chatted. Time flew and an hour went by. Though he lives in a different state, it is not impossible because it's just driving distance or a 30 minutes flight. All in all, he's absolutely gorgeous inside out. I can't believe I am saying this, but I believe my heart has anchored. I heart has found its muse and inspiration.

It's time for me to move in and take my turn in romance. He made the first move, and it's mine to make the follow-ups.

Are you content?

2009-04-04T20:29:00.001+08:00

The most important thing in life is to understand who we are and what roles we play in this great scheme of grand design called LIFE. Life is a curious thing really. We all have an understanding as to what and where we stand in life to a degree where I think is just skin deep. Most of us travel through time hoping to find the one thing that we never get, which is satisfaction. I don't think we can be truly satisfied. It's just the same as we will never have enough money. We are always looking and seeking for more. Lust for live is always going to nudge on the side when we think we have everything in the world.

Don’t forget to see the rainbow!

2009-03-22T17:51:00.001+08:00

Sitting at Station 1 Café in Taipan on a Sunday late afternoon just makes me feel blessed a little more. It is nice to be able to come out here with my mini lappy, touch poddy and just chill. Sometimes we live life in such a fast pace that we often forget to stop and look at the sky, breathe the air, and enjoy a cup of tasty coffee. I've been at work 3 weeks in a row, consecutively without a break, and it's just nuts. Understanding that it is part of the package that I have to deal with in life, I shall not complaint. The only thing I can do is to learn to relax and learn to love what extra time I have, even the time I take to just puff a cigarette. (though I've been talking about quitting.)

Somehow when the wheel keeps rotating so fast, we tend not to see the lines and the mechanics that actually makes the wheel spins, and the nuts that hold it. We forget to see our friends, our greatness, and also we usually can't see the blessings we have been blessed with. Sitting here, at the beginning, I was sorta complaining to myself about my internet connection at home, as well as the scorching weather. Then it hits me. Why was I complaining when I am actually relaxing at a café? I'm having a good time. I am only human and I always see the imperfections in life. I am learning to see the wonders of life a little more closer.

Dungun Day 1

2009-03-16T08:12:00.001+08:00

I have never thought that I would actually enjoy Dungun as much as I am doing now. The quiet and quaint town has nothing to offer except for simplicity. Although I do not think I can live here permanently, the three days and three nights that I am here, are definitely enough to recharge my physical and emotional batteries. It's been a battle field in the KL/PJ office. And somehow most of us there are physically and emotionally drained. I am not complaining about the amount of work piled on us. It's a good thing and a blessing.

The serenity here in Dungun is calming. Waking up to the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore, having breakfast next to the beach, and inhaling the cool air just make the days here so much more memorable. I can't believe that it has been two nights already. One more night and I will be flying back to the wilderness called Kuala Lumpur. Till then, I will enjoy my breakfasts, cool air, and serene sceneries.

And the story begins

2009-03-14T11:00:00.001+08:00

I have decided to start a journal to tell the story of my life. This is where my tears, and laughter and happiness are shared. I suppose some may say it may be a little too late to start writing a journal when you are in your thirties. Technically I am not in my thirties. I only turn 31 in May. Guess nothing is too late. So here I begin my journey telling stories and tales of my younger years. Embarking in a journey of of reminiscing the past, stepping into my world through my eyes, and feeling what I can only feel. This is where I bring you to take a step with me in my shoes, because NO ONE knows what it is like to be me.

So, where do I begin? I guess I have to begin my journey with the story of my self-discovery. I was brought up in a very rigid religious family. When I was younger my parents were Taoists, and when I turned 16 they became Mormons. From one end of endless joss sticks to daily prayer sessions, I have always been told to always stay true to my religion. But, I was never told to stay true to myself. I went on a mission for the church when I was 19 and finished my mission at the age of 21. Like the other boys, I joined the army of the so called "Returned Missionaries," with one single goal which is to get hitched to a girl in the Mormon Temple. Shortly after returning from my 2 years mission, I went on further my studies at Brigham Young University Hawaii. It was there that I actually started to discover myself. I've had the desire to be married and have kids, but at the same time, I've also had the extraordinary desire to touch another man's body and feel his warmth next to mine. I suppose I should have known that I was actually attracted to boys more than girls when I was younger.

Thinking back two decades and ago, I should have admitted to myself that I am actually attracted to the same gender when I got a hard on and extremely excited when I watched porn. Just like any curious boys, my friends from school would bring over pornographic materials, mostly videos, where we would tell my parents that we were having group study, and watch porn. Most boys would be totally enthralled by the bodies of women piled on the television screen, totally naked and all barring. Did I get excited about that? NO. My hard on came when the male actor stripped, showing his tool. I felt as if he was purposely showing it to me, and just me. I've always just forwarded the movies until the boys came out to play. Then of course due to much conflict within myself, I gave in to society's norm because I just wanted to be LIKE the OTHER boys. I was never really happy. I dated girls yet I was never satisfied. My heart was never fulfilled. It was then I realized that my attraction to boys was much stronger than my desire to get married to a girl. So, after all these years, I am no longer a lie. The most important thing to me at the moment is my parents, and myself. Knowing who I am makes it easier to stay true to myself. So, this journal is written by the true me.

There is a need to re-start

2009-03-12T09:07:00.001+08:00

It has been ages since I updated my blog. Though at times I thought, no one really follows my blog anyways, so why bother right. But I guess I have sorta lost the reason why I started blogging. I started blogging because I needed an avenue to express my thoughts, share my reasons and vent.

Since starting my new job about a year ago, I've been rather bogged down with and by work. Lots to do, and somewhat have lost my desire to blog. I'd rather spend time sleeping and resting than to sit down and write or blog. But somehow, I do feel a little heavier each day. I need to re-start my blogging. There is a need for me to rekindle my relationship with my blog site. I am BACK!

Like a Shattered Glass

2009-02-04T15:26:00.001+08:00

Was it really worth it, all the political up roar and unrest we have here in the country. I've never written about how I feel about the political unrest that we have here in Malaysia. Mostly, it is because I am afraid to be thrown into prison for speaking my mind. As long as the ruling party has their hands on the ISA act, I don't think the majority of Malaysians would really voice their opinions. Thus, I am gonna be threading on the water for this.

Personally there are just too many loop holes and inconsistencies in our politics. Somehow along the way of the power struggle between the politicians, the people of the country suffered. The citizens who are not involved in the political struggle are suffering. They who are in power have not opened their eyes and see what pain they have caused. Racial tensions and religious tensions are used as excuse to buy in the votes. Many were firm with their stand but yet, money bought many. When would they learn, that the nation's heart has shattered like a broken glass. We have lost faith. . .

A Brand New Year; a Brand New Beginning

2009-01-04T17:06:00.001+08:00

This is my first entry for 2009. Another year has gone by. 2008 was definitely an exciting year. There were many ups and downs this year, but this year I am not going to talk about the downs because the downs are never happy. So, I have decided to live only the ups this year. I shall not talk about what I lost, missed, or mishaps but only write down happy thoughts and happy things. Last few years my blog entries have always been somewhat dark and dreary. I guess leaving those thoughts on my blog I am somewhat living it as well. I no longer want to live like that. I've been alive for more than 30 years and in the past 30 years there were too many clouded thoughts and clouded destinies that I was not able to let go of. But all is the past now. So, let bygones be bygones.

This year, it is going to be an exciting and a successful year. I will not dwell in the bad of others or myself. So, let the New Year be an amazing one. Since the January 1^st, I've been counting my blessings in life and I just could not stop counting. There are so many things I am thankful for. Each day as I wake up it is already a miracle. I have never felt so renewed for a long time. New hope and new destinies waiting for me to discover. I may not be rich, I may not have a high position at work, and I may not have everything that I want, but I have everything that I need. I have health where many people in this world pray for on a daily basis. I have a loving family where many are left orphaned. I have my limbs and my arms, where many are not given the opportunity to have. I have shelter, clothes and gadgets where many only have what's given to them by others. I don't have to worry about food where many are still struggling to keep alive. I have a job doing what I enjoy with good colleagues where many are unemployed. I am loved by many where many people are still trying to figure out what is love, and I have true and real friends where many do not.

Counting these blessings in life makes me so alive and so grateful to be alive in this world today. I welcome 2009 with a smile and a wink.

two choices

2008-12-25T01:44:00.000+08:00

Today I received an email from a friend with a wonderful heart warming story. My heart shed tears of joy as I read it. I made a choice to share this with people who are connected to me somehow somewhere. Hope this beautiful story brings much joy to you as well. Merry Christmas.

"Two Choices"

What would you do?.... you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued... 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball... Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact..

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!

Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball .. the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!

Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.

The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:

1. Delete

2. Forward

May your day, be a Shay Day.

A rainbow after the rain

2008-12-14T11:49:00.000+08:00

It’s a fine Sunday morning. The sky is cloudy and the temperature seems to be just nice. I love this day already. As I sit in front of my computer, listening to newly downloaded Chinese albums, I am rather content with what I have and the life that I have. This year has been a year of all ups and downs. A year filled with the unexpected but somehow, someway I managed to get through it. It is already the 14th of December and I am still alive and enjoying a fine morning. Although I may not be rich monetarily, I am rich in many different ways.

I have decided that this morning is a morning that I am gonna sit down and count my blessings. For the past year, there were mornings that I woke up thinking to myself that my life sucks, and yet there were days where I was just so excited about being alive. There were so many oxy-morons in my life but hey that’s just the richness of life itself, isn’t it.

Not many people have the luxury of sitting in his room, listening to music and look out at the rainy day and not have to worry about whether he can afford to have his next meal. Honestly what more can I ask for? I have a stable job that of which I enjoy doing and am bloody good at. I have a gym membership that keeps me healthy as I can get. I have a life insurance policy, and my job provides me with a medical insurance. I don’t have to worry about whether I can afford the doctor when I get ill. I have a car that takes me to places I wanna go. I have friends, although I am usually a loner, I get to stay connected with my friends through the internet. So come to think of it, what more can I ask for. I am honestly very thankful and it puts a smile on my face when I think of how blessed I am.

I look out of the window. It’s raining but yet I see a rainbow that comes after the rain.

Mormons and their hypocrisy

2008-11-11T09:28:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I asked myself what was it that really made me chose to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. At that point when I joined the church I was about 12, and I supposed I joined because it seemed like the cool thing to do. As I started to grow up in the church, I had to find my own reasons to be part of that. I needed to gain a testimony as what the Mormons would say. A testimony in Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon was one of the most important things that we all needed to do before we could be committed to the church because the whole idea and fundamentals of the church was and is built on the entirety of the truthfulness of Joseph Smith as a prophet of God. (whoa that was wordy.. giggles)

As time went by, I served a 2 year mission in Singapore and Hong Kong. I guess that was when I started to see the differences between the teachings taught on Sundays and what was really practiced and used as doctrines by church members. Most of the leaders of the church in some way or another have one thing in common which I like to call “The POWER TRIP syndrome” leading the church in their own “Self proclaimed / self righteous” demeanor. Let’s take my mission president when I was in Singapore per se. I shall not reveal his name because lets face it; he was so insignificant to me that I could not even remember his name. Anyways, being the mission president he was supposed to be a pretty revered man who should have had the guidance from the so-called holy-ghost, but while I was a missionary under him, I felt nothing close to being led by a man of God. As missionaries we get to talk to the mission president every 5-6 weeks, and during those sessions we were supposed to tell him about what concerned us and what bothered us. Of course, that was never the case when I was there. I got to meet with him for 15 mins, and all he asked was how I was then. And when I said I just didn’t feel right, he said I needed to pray more. When I said that my companion and I were not really getting along well, he said, you needed to change. Later, I found out from other more tenured missionaries that he basically sought opinions of his assistants who would listen to the zone leaders or district leaders. If you were in any of their bad side, you’re pretty doomed. As a so-called man called of God, filled with the spirit, he should have had the inclination to know the truth in he heard, but of course that was never the case. Missionaries who were a little unconventional were always deemed as problematic missionaries to him. I was so blessed and lucky that I was transferred to Hong Kong after being under his guidance. It was miserable. I spent the rest of the 2 years in HK under a fantastic man. Be it call of God or just a man in general, he was a genuine leader, who helped us to do good and be the best we could be.

Being on a 2 year mission, my eyes were opened. I was a lot more observant as to what I tell people about the church. I realized that sometimes questions that were asked were pretty legit, and the church as a whole would not have an answer for it. All we would ask them to do is PRAY for it. And the spirit will tell you the truth. Of course in any way, whenever we decipher what was felt by the new members or investigators of the church, we would always tell them to focus on the nice feeling, and that would be the spirit telling them the truth’s revealed. But how do you differentiate what’s really from the spirit and what’s from personal desire to belong to something or someone. You can’t because even members can’t. They say they can, but when you ask them to explain how they feel, they cannot tell you. The excuse is always the same; you have to feel it to know it. It’s like asking someone to explain what salt tastes like. What they don’t get is, you can see salt and it is tangible, but the spirit is NOT. It’s all a matter of perspective and perception.

The more I grow up, the more I see the side where Mormons don’t want people to see. They want people to acknowledge and see them as holiest of all holies, and best of all mankind, yet their flaws are all so vivid. They would never admit to their own faults. Let us take the “PROP 8” agenda for example. Although they preach about having freedom to choose, and they preach about love, yet they would deny others who have different belief system from having the opportunity to be married. It’s all hypocrisy. The recent event has generated a lot of hatred between the Mormons and the GLTB community, to the point that hate crimes have started. All the Mormons started it all. Talk about "as I have loved you love one another." commandment which they preach.

The church somehow, is built in a lot of hypocrisy. I know I may get a lot of flag from members of the church, but I don’t really give a shit about what they think at the moment. I was a member of the church, and one who tried so hard to appease the rules and laws of the church. However, I am done with it.

I cannot live a lie and live in hypocrisy. I am not anti-mormon. I am just not a proud ex mormon.

What brought me to the police station

2008-11-03T09:08:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to write this down on my blog last night, but was extremely tired after getting back from the police station. I was there for 3 hours trying to lodge a report. Although the cops were rather friendly, they were just too slow. The system was down for about 2 and a half hour. You would think that the government supported agencies would be technologically advanced right! But to my disappointment they were not.

Anyways, why was I at the police station? I would have to do a track back to the beginning of the day. I left my apartment yesterday around 8 am so that I could meet up with Maumi to get some work done. There were some reports that needed to be finished and sent out, so we had to meet up to get things organized before it was sent out. After that I met up with Liyana to run the roadshow for Michael Losier’s Law of Attraction. I had left the materials in my car which was parked at The Gardens – Mid Valley. We basically got the stuff, locked the car and left. When were done with the show, which was approximately 3 hours later, I went back to my car only to find that it was broken into. Everything in my boot was taken. It didn’t really hit me until I was done with the police report. After that I just slumped, realizing what had happened.

This was just one of many incidents of thievery in KL. I am not so sure who it is to blame but myself for allowing such things happen. Though the security at The Gardens was supposed to be quite tight yet these thieves were able to find a way to get around the security. In many ways I am glad that it happened the way it did. I could have been held at knife or gunpoint. I was simply watched by guardian angels. All in all, I am uneasy for what has happened, yet I am grateful because I was not hurt and am still alive. That’s all that matters.

The Two faced Gemini is coming out to play

2008-10-28T20:44:00.001+08:00

A nice long weekend has finally come to a close. Just in a couple of hours we’ll all be tucking ourselves into bed and waiting for another week to dawn on us. It doesn’t seem real that we all have to get back to work tomorrow. I for one would love to have a couple of days more of rest and doing absolutely nothing. Just being able to stay home, relax and reflect is just a wonderful break from society really. The one way to keep in touch with what’s going on socially would be through the cyberspace.

I am not looking forward for tomorrow but yet I am. Because it means I am closer to another weekend. I was totally dry and sober these two weekends, so next weekend I promised myself I am gonna go and get a little naughty. O fuck, who am I kidding. I am naughty all the way. People always think I am sweet and nice. I suppose many don’t know that I am actually nice yet bad, demure yet wild, an angel yet a devil. Only I would know coz who the hell am I kidding right? I am a Gemini and a pure one at it.

Sunday’s reflection: To Learn, To Love, To Serve and To be Loved

2008-10-26T16:49:00.000+08:00

Sundays are always my favorite day of the week. It is always a time for me to quite down, tame down the wild child in me, and dwell in the spiritual wholeness. Listening to Katherine Jenkin’s Sacred Arias, just makes me feel so wonderful and uplifted. A voice sent from heaven sending messages of the love my Lord has for me.

Through out the week, we tend to get stressed, depressed, and agitated by the littlest of all things which somehow, in someway takes us away from our spiritual inclination. As for me, driving in KL on the first day of work, being stuck in a dead packed traffic literally boils my blood and in a matter of minutes I would turn from nice demure sweet William, to wicked and heartless Bitch Cruelly De Will. Then as the day goes by, as I make my trips to Westports for my training sessions, the Bitch basically resurrects and lives on. Through out the week, the strength I would to be kind and loving, slowly dwindles. So, on Sundays, being able to reflect on my life and events that have taken place , and the decisions I’ve made through out the week give me a chance to reevaluate who I am and what I am. What am I advocating, what am I portraying. Am I Christlike?

Looking back at this previous week, I think I’ve grown a lot. I’ve learned to see myself in a different light, a little more love and a little less dissatisfaction. I’ve become taller. I’ve learned that my savior is always with us no matter what, even if we are gay or straight. I’ve gained a testimony of my savior’s love for me. Everyday he sents a little miracle to me. Everyday he shows me how loved I am. In little words and tiny gestures he proclaims his magnificence to me. He has definitely blessed me with friends and family members who love me unconditionally. He’s given me the strength to fight the good fight, and to move on in times of difficulties and uncertainties. He has surely given me the strength to love, and to fight for my right to love.

Sometimes we go through life not knowing who we are, and what our purpose of life is. I know what my purpose of life is. It’s to learn, to love, to serve, and to be loved.

The 12 year old William has finally grown up.

2008-10-22T22:19:00.001+08:00

Understanding yourself is by far the most important thing in the world when it comes to being who you are. Today after gym, somehow as I was changing in the locker room, I started to look around. It's unusual for me to look around the locker room at the gym. (seriously I am not a pervert.!) Most of the time, I would just go to the gym, change, go do my thang and routines, and then shower and head home. I will have a puff by my car before I start the engine and leave. However, today I just felt a pull to look around. I saw men, gorgeous men half naked, wrapped in towels and some where just making their mucle juice (protein shake). As I looked at them, I was amazed at how toned and defined their bodies were. They were like the greek gods, and then I saw the reflection of myself in the mirror. I was like, gosh talk about lame. Now that reflection is lame.

I guess it is sorta my comfort zone, my little hiding hole where I would crawl into when I just don't feel all that great about myself. A lot of my friends have told me that I could be irritating when I get so obsessive about my weight and how i look. I guess it is time to tell my side of the story.

When I was younger, I never really had any thoughts about being all that cute or handsome or anything like that. When I was younger, my vice was FOOD. I love food. I love everything about it. The smell, the taste, the texture you name it I love it. As long as I can put it in my mouth and eat it. I loved it. Being the son of an amazing chef, I was blessed with the opportunity to have very tasty meals. They may be frugal meals but tasty nontheless. As time went by, I gained lots and lots of weight. Wait, I was never a small baby to begin with. I was always meaty, and in other words, a chubby little fella. And when I was about 12 my waist size was about 35. I was HUGE. I remember going on a horse ride in Penang when I was 12 and the jockey actually asked me to get down after a while coz I was a little too heavy for the poney. And from then onwards, people started calling "fei jai" or "FAT KID" or "chu jai" "piglet." I was fine with it until when I started to hit puberty. Then I realized I was ugly because I was fat. When I turned 17, after dealing with much name calling, I decided to stop eating. And I became unhealthily thin.

Since then I have just been very particular with my weight. Being asked to leave because I was too big, was too hurtful for a kid. And that stayed with me. I suppose because of that I have become very self conscious about my looks, my weight and how I look. Sometimes when I look at the mirror, and see myself, I see my 12 year old self, and that just scares me. That was my insecurity for the longest time. Until today.

Somehow today as I looked in the mirror, I saw a different me. I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't hating myself. I actually loved what I saw. I didn't need to be like them. Like the greek gods, I just need to be me. I guess, today was a wake up call for me. It has taken me 30 years to find that security in me. I do not need to have a great body to be attractive. In a way, that 12 year old boy I was, has finally grown up and own up to who he is now. I am William, and I love who I am. I finally walked out of the gym, with a smile on my face, walked to my car, lit a cigarette, turned on my Britney, and came home.

Decisions, choices, and Our Refiner's Fire.

2008-10-15T09:29:00.000+08:00

In our lives we make a lot of decisions, some good and some bad. I know I have made some excellent choices in life and some choices I’ve not been very proud of. But then again, I believe that all the choices that we’ve made have moved our lives one way or another. And none of it is bad. As for me, I don’t regret making the decisions I’ve made in my life. What doesn’t break us would just make us stronger.

Yesterday I had a chat with my office mommy, and one thing that she told me really brought me home to the core of the heart. Brought me home to that happy place where I am proud to be who I am. Sometimes in life, both at work and social we lose track of what and who we are, it is like we were born happy and born to have so much love in our heart, but this concrete world of lies and deceit drains it all away from us as we start living. Mommy told me that we go through tough time in our lifetime to make us better leaders. It is all these experiences that we face on a daily basis that make us human. It brings humanity back to our robotic routine of work and office. The concrete jungle and the office mafia are just nasty places to be. Being broken at times helps us to be more understanding to our subordinates in the future.

Though at times we may be on the brink of tears due to heartaches over work and social agendas, all we need to remember is that these experiences are part of the journey, our refiner’s fire, in which God himself has been through to be where he is.

appaled by Mormon's initiatives

2008-10-12T03:14:00.001+08:00

I don't understand why they want to force their belief system on others. Is that really Christlike? I used to be a Mormon, and used to be damn proud of being a Mormon. But not anymore. It is things like this that makes many people fall away from the church. And of course for a member's point of view, the inactive members just do not have a testimony and faith. That's why they leave the church. Mormon's have never look at themselves and say, are we really doing the right thing? It's always them being right and those who do not share their same beliefs are wrong.

How is it that self-righteous people are actually righteous? Isn't that PRIDE altogether? Isn't that what made the church fell in the first place during Christ's time. They never learn.

Mormons renew calls for Calif. gay marriage ban

By JENNIFER DOBNER – 2 days ago

SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — Mormons are being asked by their church leaders to step up their already considerable efforts to pass a ballot initiative to ban same-sex marriage in California.

Senior elders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints made a televised appeal to members Wednesday night and laid out a week-by-week strategy for boosting Mormon involvement before the Nov. 4 election.

They urged Mormons to man phone banks, distribute campaign materials and intensify voter registration efforts during an hourlong meeting, which was broadcast to church buildings in California, Utah, Hawaii and Idaho.

The Mormon church is part of a coalition of conservative groups backing Proposition 8, which would amend the state constitution to limit marriage to a man and a woman and thereby overturn the California Supreme Court decision that legalized same-sex marriage.

"What we're about is the work of the Lord, and he will bless you for your involvement," Elder M. Russell Ballard said during the broadcast.

Mormons have been active participants in the campaign both as volunteers and financial contributors, giving $8.4 million to the Proposition 8 campaign, according to the Web site mormonsfor8.com. There are about 770,000 Mormon church members in California, but Mormons from outside the state have been encouraged to give money and time to help pass the measure.

During Wednesday's taped satellite broadcast, church leaders asked for 30 members from each California congregation to donate four hours of week to the campaign. They also called on young married couples and single Mormons to use the Internet by text messaging and blogging to help pass the initiative.

Elder L. Whitney Clayton, who has been working as a liaison between the LDS leaders and the Proposition 8 campaign, said before the event that it was meant to energize Mormons for the weeks remaining before Election Day.

"In California, the phone trees are up and running. We just want to be able to help, and one of the things we can do is we can organize," Clayton said in an interview Wednesday.

Officially, the Mormon church is politically neutral and does not endorse individual candidates or political parties. The church does, however, weigh in on issues it considers morally important. The church holds traditional marriage as a sacred institution ordained by God.

Some Mormons have criticized the church for wading so heavily into the political realm.

"We know that it is not without controversy, yet let me be clear that at the heart of this issue is the central doctrine of eternal marriage and it's place in our Father's plan," Ballard said.
On the Net:

* http://www.lds.org
* http://www.mormonsfor8.com

Hosted by Google
Copyright © 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

Today's random thoughts

2008-10-07T08:38:00.001+08:00

All suited up in my G2000 pink shirt and Tommy Hilfiger tie, sitting in front of my lappy, table adorned by used tissue papers and pills lined up color coded -all in preparation for a brand new day in the office. Though sick and exhausted, I can’t help but feel grateful for all the love that I have gotten from friends and just individuals I am not even close to. What a wonderful world this world could be.

I have learned that even in the bleakest hours in our lives there is always gonna be a silver lining that we can find. It is just the matter of having the desire to look for it. It is not always an easy find, or easy to spot the silver lining when one is in grave pain or heartbroken. I’ve personally been there. This has been a very trying year as well as a year that I am glad I went through. I can say that I’ve personally grown a lot both spiritually, and materially.

Lately, I have been doing some observation and have come to a conclusion that the power of being positive aka “The Law of Attraction” is practiced everywhere even one may not know it. Think of the cancer patients. It’s always the advice of the doctors to the cancer patients that they should think positively and that they must fight with a will to live, only then they will be able to overcome the sickness. That is SO Law of Attraction.

What about the days when you tell yourself that I am gonna get the job, or I am gonna get to do this and that, and it was just as if it was handed to you. It’s all the concept of the Law of Attraction. Honestly, the more I observe, the more I see it in my daily endeavors.

I do not know what to expect in the near future, but all I can say is that it is going to be exciting.

being mormon and gay

2008-09-17T16:54:00.000+08:00

Many people have asked me how it feels to be a Mormon yet gay. Some people go through sleepless nights trying to understand where they stand in life being who they are and trying to live a religion that is totally against the whole idea of who they are. I have friends who are finding it difficult to be whom they are, a constant battle in their head, trying to do what they think or feel is right. I have been there before. That state of mind, the whole prison which we built for ourselves based on what others think should be right. It’s a never ending struggle. There is no grey line, there is no stand in between. There is only one truth, and that truth lies within each gay individual. I am not speaking for ALL, I am speaking for those who might have the same experience as I had. I am speaking from what I went through as a guy who once wanted to be married, have kids and be a GOD fearing person in the perspective of the right winged conservative Christians.

Life was a living hell for me then. Each day I wake up praying and begging that the whole burden of having feelings and emotions for someone of the same gender as I to be taken away from me. I prayed to be made straight. I dated girls but yet inside, my heart beats only for another guy. Then one day, I woke up. I woke up from that dream that I had about being straight. I woke up from the call to bow down to the firm and oblivious motion of the church. I woke up from lying to myself. I told myself, if I want to be truly happy, I needed to accept who I am and choose a side. I chose my side. I can’t be an active member of the church, an active advocate of an organization that does not condone to loving and being who I truly am inside. I did not give up my God and my Savior; I gave up the organization who told me I am condemned if I do not repent.

I finally told my family of which was very supportive and loving. Ever since then, my heart was a lot lighter, and the burden of living a double life has been lifted from my shoulders. I believe that God himself would want that for me. I love being who I am, and I love myself. There isn’t a day that I do not wake up and be thankful for who I am, and where I am, and how God’s hands have been directing my life. I feel him even closer to me now than before. He is constantly in my heart and I know I am in HIS.

So, who said you can’t be God’s child and yet live your life being gay? Being gay is not a crime! It never was and never will be. Being gay means being loved, and loving. It is about giving, it is about understanding, it is about tolerance, and it is about being TRUE to yourself.

something that just came accross my mind

2008-09-12T16:31:00.004+08:00

TheFuture Phone 1 The Future Phone 2
The Middle Aged Phone
The Old School Phone
The Super Old School Phone

Another weekend is about to come forth. Two and a half more hours and counting till the clock strikes 530pm, and time to get the hell out of the office. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but who doesn’t wanna “get the hell out of the office” on a Friday right. It has been a long week. Traveling on a daily basis to Westports can be a little exhaustive; however, I do look forward to going there all the time. It’s nice to have two groups of highly enthusiastic trainees to hang out with before hitting the gym after work.

I am not quite sure what I wanna do this weekend. I do have some errands to run. Need to get my internet returned. U mobile just isn’t the thing for me, so I am gonna discontinue my service with them. Talking of internet service providers, I have just subscribed to Wimax from P1. It is fantastic. The speed is great and there is absolutely no buffer time for youtube. As soon as I had it activated, I went and watched the entire episode 1 and 2 of America’s Next Top Model cycle 11.

Come to think of it, aren’t we all so grateful for the development of technology? I mean in the past ten years, technology and its growth has given birth to so many possibilities in life. Who would have thought then that in 10 years time we could talk to someone using such small devices called cell phones? I remember when I was younger cell phones used to be ginormous.( I am not sure if anyone remembers ATUR 011 cellular?) They were briefcases and then water tumblers. I still remember the adverts that were shown then. One of them was about a businessman, who walked around with a briefcase, and he turned around and it was actually a phone. At that time, a portable cell phone cost about RM 9k. Now, due to technology advancement, phones are getting smaller. As for the price, no one in the right mind would pay 9k for a cell because most people would change phones once a year. So, I suppose in the not very far future we will have phones that would just be an implant into the ears or something.

down with a fever

2008-09-04T10:30:00.000+08:00

Two nights ago, while getting ready for bed, I started to get the chills and was totally irritated by the sore throat that I am still suffering today. As I laid down on my bed, the chills got worse and i realized that I was suffering from a pretty intense fever. I have not had a fever like that for the longest time. The last time I had a similar feeling was when I was bed ridden by a throat infection that had cost me USD 250 for a lame 2 minutes consultation fees from a doctor back in Hawaii. I am so glad that in Malaysia at least docs are not that cut throat.

Anyways, the next day, which means yesterday, I had to facilitate a training at Sushi King and Westports. It was a stretch but after seeing the doc, the fever slowly subsided and now I am feeling much better. Though the fever is still lingering, it is not as bad as the day before. I am gonna take an easy weekend. :)

On the bright side I will be picking up my new phone that I won from THEFACESHOP contest and also my tough jeans this week.

the Blond William finally arrived in Ipoh

2008-08-30T19:14:00.001+08:00

So, I have had my entire weekend planned. It will be spent in Ipoh with my parents and a Ken was suppose to keep me company in the car. Well things did not go the way it was initially planned. So, I was supposed to have dinner with Choy and Ken at Delicious in Bangsar, and then we were to drink at the Attic. The disruption of my entire weekend started when William decided to turn blonde. Yeah, I had a pretty blond Friday night.

This was what happened. I arrived at Bangsar Village much earlier than Ken and Choy, so I decided to visit my favorite store there- Private Structure. ( go figure why it is my fave shop!) I saw some rather nice track pants so decided to try them on. While I was doing so, I hung my car keys together with my house keys on the rack and when Choy called, I rushed out of the store and left the keys there.

Not realizing that I left without my keys, I happily met up with Choy and Ken and we had a good laugh over dinner. When it was time to get my car to the Attic, I realized that my keys were missing. I ran around looking for it, asking the guards about my keys. It was like an episode of Chicken Run mashed with Legally Blond. To no avail, I had no place to stay and no car to drive. And the next day I was supposed to drive back to Ipoh.

We finally just went to the Attic and things got better. I was frazzled but friends were nice and very positive. I am very glad that I know such awesome people in my life. So finally, I went back to Ken's spent the night, then went to Bangsar this morning , picked up my keys, had breakfast, and now I am in Ipoh. The journey started late, but I am here nonetheless. It's a long weekend and I am gonna enjoy it. It's nice to be home.

The REAL me is here to stay

2008-08-23T20:37:00.000+08:00

Ain't it funny how sometimes we get so depressed with life and what life has to offer that we forget to count the blessings we have? I know I do fall into that slump time and time again. Maybe some of you might think, Gosh this guy must be a super depressed guy. I really am not. I do write down how I feel and it may be rather dark and clouded but it is my way of releasing myself from it. Instead of letting myself drown into it, I print it out in words on paper or cyberspace, just so I can feel that I have expressed, and someone has listened.

I am learning how to be more thankful with life itself. He has given me the life and a destiny for me to realize, and I am going to take this destiny with pride and enlightenment. I am learning to look and search for a silver lining in everything that happens, in every event that might sadden, and in every laughter that brings hope. I am not perfect but I am glad that I am still so blessed.

I have put myself down and put myself in places where it was not very happy for a couple of months, and I have treated myself so unfairly and so negatively that I personally do not even feel sorry for myself. I am SO done with being that me. I don't like it. I woke up this morning as if I just had a revelation given to me. I felt so much lighter, so much happier, so much more exalted in a sense where I knots were untangled and troubles are just so far away. No longer burdened with self doubt, I am ready to fight the good fight and just live a fabulous life. I don't need new things, new gadgets, new hairstyle, new boyfriends or girlfriends, new friends, new anything at all. I have forgotten all about the power of self acceptance! Thanks to YOU who has helped me find my way back into the LIGHT.

Ready or not world, the REAL me is here to stay.

wardrobe change and shopaholic

2008-08-08T09:08:00.000+08:00

I have been looking at my wardrobe and realized that I have too much clothes that I would not even wear anymore. Not because I don't like them but I just do not have the reasons to wear them anymore. So, I am taking this weekend to clear and clean off my wardrobe. Making sure that the clothes that I have in there are clothes that I will actually wear and not just hanging to take up space. I have cleared 6 bags of clothes a couple of months ago before i left HSBC, and now it's another episode, another change. Change is good. Gosh the wardrobe change and maintenance are definitely keeping my pocket thin and my plastic hot. But then again it is just something that needs to be done. Listen to me, I am the actual real life person from the "Shopaholic" series. How can one keeps justifying every purchase he makes? I am so bloody good at that. Thus it makes me a shopaholic professional. (giggles). The only thing missing is the guy who always make it better at the end of the day.

mini family reunion

2008-08-04T09:11:00.000+08:00

Another weekend has gone by. This weekend was spent with mom and dad and the rest of the family. It was a mini family reunion which was pretty fun. Although it was fun, it was also very tiring. We basically drank about a good 20 bottles of red wine. Catching up with the cousins and the most current gossips.
The next reunion would be Chinese New Year, and this year’s chinese new year would be spent in KL. Mom and dad will be in Utah by then. So good for them.

crushed and broken - a void in the heart

2008-07-31T11:20:00.000+08:00

Feeling uninspired and unmotivated. Life is slowly becoming a burden, feeling a little off and honestly lonely to be precise. The storm is totally crushing my heart. As it feels a little heavier than usual my heart is not beating the way it normally does. It has hiccups, feeling uncertain and a void with silence that has drained all my energy trying to fill it.
These days have been days on tears running like a river flowing inside. Though none of it came through my eyes, but I feel beaten by the world. Knowing that I should not give up, but the demon inside of me is ripping me apart in bits and pieces. I’m on the run. It’s like this run has silenced all happy memories and dried up all hope. I am breaking into a sweat. My heart is pained.
I’m praying harder than I have ever prayed.

realization

2008-07-24T22:12:00.000+08:00

I had realization today. As I was driving home today, I just could not control my tears. I just realized how lonely I am. It finally hit me. I have fallen for someone I could not have and I am finding it so hard to take my heart back to love again.

Heartbroken

2008-07-21T21:46:00.000+08:00

Monday blues. I think it is a syndrome that many people have when Monday comes. Today was rather lethargic but then again because I have so much work to do, it went by rather quickly.

Nothing really happened today besides work. I woke up early today. Slept at 1130 last night after talking to Jerry on the phone. Woke up this morning packed my stuff for gym, put on my black linen /cotton shirt and my grey pants with a white vest and pink tie, I was off to work. Loads of compliments on my ensemble today. What to do. Style and fashion is just part of me. (wink wink). I have toned down a lot in my clothing nowadays.

I've grown very fond of plain button ups with nice cut and material over flower prints extravaganza. I love shirts. I always have. Anyways, why am I talking about shirts? It is because I am trying to justify the two new G2000 shirt that I bought for work. It's an awesome shade of grey and another one is white. My first white shirt since my Mission. (those who don't know what a Mission is, I served a mission as a voluteer for my church. Just like the movie Latter-days). Anyways as I was walking to the cashier, I saw a nice pair of pants. Hey I need work pants, so I bought it too. Now they are all half off so, I had a bargain. Anyways, whatever it is, I'm done with my work clothes shopping. Until prolly end of the year.

Gosh William the shopaholic needs to stop. I feel my life is like the protagonist in the "Shopaholic series." Nuts innit.

a night at The Attic

2008-07-20T11:25:00.000+08:00

So, last night I was invited by Alex to have drinks at the Attic in Bangsar. I was quite hesitant at the beginning because I was not feeling all that fabs but as soon as I felt better I got ready and headed out to Bangsar. I am glad that I went. I met some nice people and made some new friends.The Jazz singer was amazing. It was lots of fun and the drinks were great.

It was nice to be able to go to a nice quaint place to drink with good company. It was nice. I suppose my clubbin days are slowly dying. I just do not feel like going out to super crowded areas and get stinky and wet from ciggies and sweat. So, I've been hunting for non smoking joints to go. Ironic coz I smoke, but I can't stand smokey places with little to no ventilation. The thing is that I can't stand to smell like ciggies after clubs. My clothes arghhhhh...

Get Naked .... I got a plan

2008-07-15T23:45:00.000+08:00

Get Naked (I’ve Got a Plan) by Britney Spears.

Danja..
Yeah
eh, ah (x7)
(Brit)this sounds nice
yeah, yeah

I got a plan we can do it
Just when you want it baby,baby,baby
As long as you want it
Come with me we can do it
Baby, baby, baby ( yeah , ah ah)

I got a plan we can do it
Just when you want it baby,baby,baby (aha, aha)
As long as you want it
Come with me we can do it
Baby, baby, baby

My body is calling out for you bad boy
I get the feeling that I just want to be with ya
Baby, I’m a freak and I don’t really give a damn
I’m crazy as a (mother f**ker)
Bet that on ya man

If ya like what ya see
And your curiosity
Let your mind roam free
Won’t you pay attention please

What I gotta do to get you to want my body?
Quarter past three and ready to leave the party

What ya tryin to do, do, do (I got a plan we can do it just when you want it baby, baby, baby)
What ya tryin to do, do, do(As long as you want it come with me we can do it baby, baby ,baby )
(x6)

Get naked X8
Take it off X4
Get naked X4

I’m not ashamed of my beauty you can see what I got
(Shouldn’t I freak you out; imagine if I work it out)
If I get on top, (your gonna lose your mind)
The way I put it down boy you know should be up

Danja:
I understand that you don’t got no plan; and I just want to take your hand; and I need you to understand; that that I I got everything perfect more that you want; if I get it all inside work that body get it all(You Got It)

If ya like what ya see (oh)
And your curiosity
Let your mind roam free (let you mind roam free)
Won’t you pay attention please (please)

If ya like what ya see (Oh)
And your curiosity
Let your mind roam free
Won’t you pay attention please (Yeah)

Get naked X8 (would you mind?)
Take it off X4 (if I take it off)
Get naked X4 (ah) (here we go)

Danja: Baby, take it off
Britney: I just wanna take it off, I just wanna take it off
Danja: Baby, take it off
Britney: I just wanna take it off, I just wanna take it off

What ya tryin to do, do, do (I got a plan we can do it just when you want it baby, baby, baby)
What ya tryin to do, do, do(As long as you want it come with me we can do it baby, baby ,baby )
(x6)

This song has been on repeat on my car stereo as well as my ipod. (wait my Ipod just died so I am now using another mp3 player that i use to my gym sessions.) I love the song. It gives me the energy to just go on. Though it is sexually explicit, I personally love the way the song portrays the strength in getting what you want. Am i sexually deprived? Not really. I have my share of shags and FUBUs to come along. Not a lot but it is acceptable.

I am not justifying that I should be sleeping around, but a man has got to do what a man has got to do. I do wish, my prince would come sweep me off my feet SOON. Ya know this year has been an interesting year for me so far. Pretty disastrous. Besides getting an awesome job which is a blessing, nothing seems to be running smoothly. The Chinese zodiac did say this year no one will ever gimme the love i need, and I suppose it is true. Seems like it. Every time I thought I was close, I was wrong. I was always slapped on the face, and just bled heartbroken.

Listening to this song gives me a sorta power to survive my ordeal. I need to take control and stop being HURT. I got a plan… So, I am just gonna get naked, I’m not ashamed of my beauty!

myself again

2008-07-12T16:04:00.001+08:00

Through out the week, I have just been craving a lot of different kinds of food as well as all the different kinds of luxuries in life. As the week progressed, looking at my finances I realize that it is just not feasible for me to spend my money to satisfy my cravings. I’ve been a horrible shopper, a raging shopaholic. However, as of late, I’ve been pretty good with myself. I have not bought anything that I do not for a long long time. It does take a lot of time to change. I think being a shopaholic is just like a smoker. It’s hard to quit and it burns up your finances.

I need to get back to basics. One thing though, I just had a total wardrobe revamp. Back to basics, back to my own style, and I have to say back to me. In the process of living in KL and trying to blend in I’ve lost myself. I am so glad that I’ve finally found myself, and found who I am again.

Friday ,.. still single

2008-07-04T08:12:00.003+08:00

The weekend has finally arrived. I have to say that I am rather excited about this weekend because in the past two weeks I've had to work, so I am finally gonna have a weekend to myself and just relax. I need to catch up on my sleep. Been rather deprived. I need to learn to sleep earlier so that I can wake up early without getting super tired.

Last night I had the opportunity to go to the Beauty and the Beast musical. It was fantabulous. I was totally entertained, and of course I was also with good company. I've not been to a musical for the longest time, and it was worth the time and effort of going. We had great seats as well.

As for my love life, it's getting complicated and also totally lost. I guess my horroscope was right. It said that I will not have any relationships this year ( or the past 3 so to speak). I suppose that these few years I have been a little lonely on the inside. Not wanting to admit to myself that I am due for a relationship (who ain't right!), I have allegedly told myself that I am fine and it is okay. This morning while I was on the train, I just woke up ( as if I was in a dream) to reality. It's okay to admit that I am a little lonely (okay fine ..very) but at the same time I am not gonna saok myself in the negativity of it. Who knows! Maybe the horroscope is wrong. Maybe by the end of this day while I walking to my car, a nice and good looking chap will stop and talk to me. Now that's a good dream. :)

sometimes i am not too proud to be malaysian

2008-07-04T08:11:00.000+08:00

Yet another week has almost gone by. It is currently 756 am. I am here in the office, chomping on my Chinese fried bread and coffee for breakfast. Current headcounts in the office this morning = 4. Jazzy tunes humming its way on my notebook. It’s a pretty serene and quiet morning. The morning will start to get hectic when the rest of the people come in. Before the crowd comes in I thought I’d pen some of my thoughts.

Have you ever thought about what it means to be “proud to be Malaysian?” I can honestly say that at times I am not at all proud to say that I am Malaysian. Yesterday on my way home after work, while I was on the train, I witnessed a couple of things that just made me rather embarrassed to be a Malaysian. The train was really muggy yesterday. I was on the train from KLCC to University station. Then when we reached Dang Wangi station a pregnant woman walked in. There were all these young girls who were sitting and did not even offer the woman a seat. How civic minded are we? These girls were just sitting and giggling, looking at the pregnant woman who just stood there. I don’t understand why they didn’t even bother to ask the woman to sit. These sorta situations just makes me uncertain about being proud to be Malaysian.

Being 30- an improvement

2008-06-23T14:39:00.000+08:00

Time goes by rather swiftly in the past couple of weeks. In a blink of an eye, I’ve already left my previous company and started with my new company for 4 weeks now. It has actually been a month. Since joining the new company, I have been working a lot, pretty stressful but I am content. It has been a totally new experience and I have been learning so much. Every day I learn something new. Although there were days I just feel totally knackered, I am still happy with what I am doing. I personally think that itself is an improvement in terms of my career advancement. I have found something that challenges me to strive to be better on a daily basis.

In the past couple of weeks, I have learned a lot about myself actually. What I am capable of and what I really feel on certain things and people. And most importantly, I have learned to appreciate myself a whole lot more. With a stronger desire to succeed and improve, I am now able to push myself to do things that I have never thought I was able to do before.

It is a whole new ball game, and a whole new world that I am living in now. I have been more active in going to the gym, loving myself a whole lot more than usual and taking my life and myself more seriously now. I suppose being 30, I feel a little more responsible for how my life will turn out in the future. And as for my priority in life, it is slowly changing. I was so involved in making myself stand out until I forgot who I am inside. I have tried so hard to be someone other people think I should and have forgotten my own voice. I have finally given up on being the person others think I am, have started living my own life. I am me, and I love being me. Come to think of it, I feel like a Barbie. I have been playing dressed up for all the wrong reasons. I have finally decided to just be me. Honestly, if people don’t like who I am, then fuck it. So far I am doing pretty well. People still love me for who I am. At least my so-called friends do.

Thirty is a beautiful age and a beautiful start.

Just taking a break

2008-06-14T14:50:00.001+08:00

Some of you might be asking what the fuck is William doing nowadays. Has he even been updating his blog. Well, to be honest, I have not been in a mood to even talk. It has been a rather hectic and stressful couple of months. I am sorry that I have not been keeping my friends updated with my life. But I should be back in the swing of things as soon as I get whatever that’s on my chest out. I will be back soon.

Thanks for being patience with me.

Lots of love

william

a quick update

2008-06-02T21:13:00.001+08:00

Finally I get to sit down and pen some thoughts again. It has been a pretty hectic month in May. Lizzie’s arrival, Bangkok trip, started a new job, and all that just made it impossible to actually sit in front of the computer and pen down my thoughts.

I have started with Scicom (Academy) on the 20^th of May and it has been good so far. I have learned so much in such a short time. Being able to do what I do best and enjoy doing definitely makes life and work a lot easier to handle. I mean the stress is still there and I have to say that the stress level has not changed. In fact it is higher than when I was at HSBC, but the satisfaction is definitely more.

I suppose after a nice vacation to Bangkok has rejuvenated my soul and mind, making it easier for me to step into a new challenging job. The job requires a lot from me but it is worth it. Being able to see the training modules that I created sold for a price, is definitely encouraging.

More updates to come soon. I need to get back to my course development. Currently am working on something for Jaring. I will put more updates on Bangkok’s trip and upload pictures on the weekend.

we are blessed... so am i

2008-05-06T21:26:00.007+08:00

Watching the news I realized how blessed and fortunate I am to be living in Malaysia. Besides the minimal political unrest that's happening, I can say that we have pretty good lives. I have food, money to spend, a job, water, all the basic necessities in life. Basically everything that I need to live is available for me.
After watching the torn and ripped city of in Myanmar, my heart sank, knowing that there are so many people who are suffering the loss of loved ones, lack of nutrition due to the lack of clean water and food. No electricity! And to many, hope's lost. In the US, the whole economy crisis that is hitting the lower middle class, making it tougher for them to make ends meet. In the middle eastern countries, wars that lasted decades, and wars that didn't hear the cries of endless dying babies, children, women, old folks, and worst of all the dying of hope. All these crisis going around the world, from national disaster to political instability to economic downfall has made me pray with gratitude in my heart knowing that I am safe.
Somehow today, I saw the world of my own worries and pain to be minute compared to the many who are living in their own HELL. My heart goes out to them. I realized that if I am not happy and thankful for what I have, I am basically mocking the people who's lives are harder than mine.

last days and vacation

2008-05-04T13:35:00.001+08:00

Three and a half more days and counting. This chapter of my life is definitely coming to an end and I am welcoming a new chapter of my life. Turning 30 with a brand new job and a brand new social circle waiting to be explored. This time I am gonna take a break before I start my new job. Lizzie will be here in a week’s time and I am super excited to have her with me in KL. It is awesome to have my best friend to be next to me in welcoming the new chapter of my life. I do not know what I will be expecting but I know it is only gonna get better from now onwards. I have faith and I have a good feeling about the second part of the year. I will be going to Bangkok next week and just can’t wait to enjoy myself without the worries about coming back to DRAMATIC work place. So, that is definitely a change. Well, I’ll have to see how it goes. At least this time I have Lizzie here with me.

my CRAVINGS

2008-04-27T23:40:00.002+08:00

Everyone has a desire, and every has a type. I can't really describe my type of guys, so here are a few of my type of guys. Now best would be an infused version of all their traits.